All in Vain.

I found out D is back in Jail, and for the same thing as last year, Failure to Appear. I am really happy to hear he is in jail because that means he is off the streets and will get clean, again, even if it doesn't last its still good for his health. It also brings back all the memories from when i was with him last year.

I keep referencing what my therapist and I discussed which was about how when I first met him as a teenager he came into my life during a difficult time. He showed me he loved me by walking several miles just to come see me. He gave me happiness and I gave him the same. He came from a bad life, living with his elderly grandmother and trying to stay out of the drug scene, coming to see me gave him "an out".  She said, We Saved Each other. She also said that this time in my life when I left my family for him that I was in fact going back to my 16yr old mindset of trying to save him again, and he saved me once again. He was "my out" for leaving my husband, and he gave me a place to stay.

However, I failed at saving him. It was my only hope to get him away, give him "an out" from the life he was living. I didnt try hard enough. I wasnt strong enough. I became weak and I gave in to him.
I dont think I will ever have an ounce of hate for D.  All I want for him is a good life full of happiness without drugs. I feel sad that I failed, I had 4 months of opportunity and yet he is no better off today than before I entered his life 10 months ago. It was all in vain, everything I went through.

So where does this put me? Right back where I started, wondering what if. However, from now on all I can do is pray for him.