I am beginning to wonder if my marriage is salvageable. I am having a hard time letting go of MBW, and Jamie still hasn't forgiven me and let go of what i did. There is also a feeling I had while we were separated that I am beginning to miss. I am not sure how to describe it other than its that feeling you get when you are first with someone. Your excited to see them, cant wait for their phone call, get butterflies when talking or seeing them. Its hard to admit I had stronger feelings for D, I know its hurtful for Jamie to hear and think about.I wish it wasn't true, to admit i chose a drug addict, a meth head that injected drugs into his veins with needles...yes, i chose to be with that instead of my husband. I cant explain it, he was my high school sweetheart, he was there for me during a hard time of my life and we never had closure. Even this time, I left him thinking I would be back so again, no closure. All i know is I felt something being around him that I haven't felt in a long time and it was such a good feeling, an addictive feeling and I am starting to miss it. I don't want to go back to empire, i just wish I could have that feeling again.
I had hoped that I would fall back in love with Jamie and things would be OK, but the more time passes the less I believe it will happen. I don't miss living in a drug lifestyle environment, I don't miss being yelled at or used but I do miss the freedom I had. As a mother, that is a sacrifice that we all give up, freedom. We don't get to come and go as we please, we don't get to go out b/c we have the responsibility as a parent to be there for our kids. Being a mother is a 24/7 job. Everyday my kids need me, but everyone deserves time to themselves.
I can feel myself sinking back into depression, though I keep saying I'm not. I feel like I am back to the same old routine of just being here for the kids. I'm a babysitter and a maid. I am not here because I want to be, or because Jamie wants me to be, I feel like I am only here for the kids. I keep saying I am fine, but I am not. I don't feel confident that I am making the right decision, at least not for myself. I am in this for my kids, hoping things would work themselves out on the way. . . maybe its too early to know, but I pray there is still hope, if not for me to find happiness, but for my kids to be happy.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Swooping
I still don't quite understand fully what provokes someone to become involved with a married person?
What is so hard about saying to the person, "get a divorce then we can see where this goes". It is not excusable. There is no if ands or buts about it. If you have an interest in someone that is involved with someone else why would you want to pursue them?
My husband and I both were involved in relationships outside of our marriage. D was my "other person". Out of respect for MY HUSBAND, I will not give the name of his ex-girlfriend But I will reference her as "MBW". Everyone knows her name anyway so it doesn't matter. (When you sleep with a married man, there are consequenses, and being talked about by the wife are one of them!)
From my point of view D saw me as a useful tool. A way out of poverty. He saw me as someone he could use. He didn't see me as a wonderful girl that he could love and make happy. He saw me for what could he get out of me. "MBW" was there to listen to Jamie and give advice but at what point did she think about crossing that friendship line? Did she see the same from my husband that D saw from me, A useful tool? Did she look at him as her way back into Alabama, a father figure for her kids, or just someone to use for sex? Did she really believe after 7 years of marriage it would be over just like that and that she could swoop in and have him all to herself?
Going back to what I can remember, it was around June that she entered our lives. She was dating one of Jamie's friends from work. Everything started out innocent, as a friend on Facebook. She even had added me at one time as a mutual facebook friend. The relationship she had with Jamie's friend didn't last very long but even after it ended for whatever reason she continued to talk to Jamie online.
At first, I thought nothing of it, just some random chick that is trying to hang on to her ex by keeping mutual friends. I am not sure how much time went by but soon she began texting Jamie's cellphone. Around August, just like every year before Jamie and I started having our usual fights. He became distant even faster this time. I could tell something was different. I didn't have anyone to turn to so I tried harder to make him happy. I thought that because I had a full-time job that kept us from spending much time together that was some of the reason for our fights so I quit my job. This enabled me to make sure the house and kids were taken care of. It also gave us more time together with his swinging shifts. Nothing I did made things better. Our fights kept getting worse and eventually I became suspicious of this female that was on his facebook.
Over and over I questioned her motives, and questioned their relationship. Over and over he denied anything was going on and even suggested that I was having another emotional affair of my own, which for once wasn't the case. Jamie denied her being anything more than overly friendly. So, to keep the peace, I backed off and let it go. When I realized things were not getting any better and I made my plans to leave Jamie, I had no idea how close he and "MBW" had become.
It wasn't until after I came back home in February that I learned she and him had discussed having a date before I ever left. Also, she made her move on Jamie about a week after I left him. So, my gut instints were right the whole time. She is like a vulture, she preyed on my husband waiting for him to become vulnerable then she made her move. I now know her motives were there way before I left. She was preying on him waiting for my mistake so she could swoop in on a man in trouble.
When you are in a serious relationship with someone you want to be their #1 but how can you honestly see yourself as the #1 if they have someone else on the side? It must take a person with very low self worth to do this. More importantly, once the relationship is resolved and the couple remain together what makes it so hard for the "other person" to just back off and give that involved person some time and space to work on their relationship. The "other person" is never thinking of anyone else, they are only concerned with what happiness they can get out of this situation. More importantly if kids are involved they should stay away until all matters are settleed. Have some consideration of the children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their life.
So, I ask...what mindset do you have to be in to go swooping in that fast on a marriage in trouble, without giving it time for any healing, or any understanding at all.
Bottom line, don't prey upon married people. It hardly ever works out to "the other person's" advantage. You will look pathetic, and desperate. Don't swoop in while they are vulnerable, don't swoop in at all.
What is so hard about saying to the person, "get a divorce then we can see where this goes". It is not excusable. There is no if ands or buts about it. If you have an interest in someone that is involved with someone else why would you want to pursue them?
My husband and I both were involved in relationships outside of our marriage. D was my "other person". Out of respect for MY HUSBAND, I will not give the name of his ex-girlfriend But I will reference her as "MBW". Everyone knows her name anyway so it doesn't matter. (When you sleep with a married man, there are consequenses, and being talked about by the wife are one of them!)
From my point of view D saw me as a useful tool. A way out of poverty. He saw me as someone he could use. He didn't see me as a wonderful girl that he could love and make happy. He saw me for what could he get out of me. "MBW" was there to listen to Jamie and give advice but at what point did she think about crossing that friendship line? Did she see the same from my husband that D saw from me, A useful tool? Did she look at him as her way back into Alabama, a father figure for her kids, or just someone to use for sex? Did she really believe after 7 years of marriage it would be over just like that and that she could swoop in and have him all to herself?
Going back to what I can remember, it was around June that she entered our lives. She was dating one of Jamie's friends from work. Everything started out innocent, as a friend on Facebook. She even had added me at one time as a mutual facebook friend. The relationship she had with Jamie's friend didn't last very long but even after it ended for whatever reason she continued to talk to Jamie online.
At first, I thought nothing of it, just some random chick that is trying to hang on to her ex by keeping mutual friends. I am not sure how much time went by but soon she began texting Jamie's cellphone. Around August, just like every year before Jamie and I started having our usual fights. He became distant even faster this time. I could tell something was different. I didn't have anyone to turn to so I tried harder to make him happy. I thought that because I had a full-time job that kept us from spending much time together that was some of the reason for our fights so I quit my job. This enabled me to make sure the house and kids were taken care of. It also gave us more time together with his swinging shifts. Nothing I did made things better. Our fights kept getting worse and eventually I became suspicious of this female that was on his facebook.
Over and over I questioned her motives, and questioned their relationship. Over and over he denied anything was going on and even suggested that I was having another emotional affair of my own, which for once wasn't the case. Jamie denied her being anything more than overly friendly. So, to keep the peace, I backed off and let it go. When I realized things were not getting any better and I made my plans to leave Jamie, I had no idea how close he and "MBW" had become.
It wasn't until after I came back home in February that I learned she and him had discussed having a date before I ever left. Also, she made her move on Jamie about a week after I left him. So, my gut instints were right the whole time. She is like a vulture, she preyed on my husband waiting for him to become vulnerable then she made her move. I now know her motives were there way before I left. She was preying on him waiting for my mistake so she could swoop in on a man in trouble.
When you are in a serious relationship with someone you want to be their #1 but how can you honestly see yourself as the #1 if they have someone else on the side? It must take a person with very low self worth to do this. More importantly, once the relationship is resolved and the couple remain together what makes it so hard for the "other person" to just back off and give that involved person some time and space to work on their relationship. The "other person" is never thinking of anyone else, they are only concerned with what happiness they can get out of this situation. More importantly if kids are involved they should stay away until all matters are settleed. Have some consideration of the children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their life.
So, I ask...what mindset do you have to be in to go swooping in that fast on a marriage in trouble, without giving it time for any healing, or any understanding at all.
Bottom line, don't prey upon married people. It hardly ever works out to "the other person's" advantage. You will look pathetic, and desperate. Don't swoop in while they are vulnerable, don't swoop in at all.
My first drug
Living around drug addicts I became all too familiar with their stories of how they got hooked on drugs. Everyone's story was different and yet they were all the same in the sense that all it took was one time. I found myself more and more curious about their lifestyle and I became less concerned with the dangers of being involved. I thought i was strong enough to not get sucked into it but the longer I stayed the weaker I became.
I began feeling like an outsider. I had very little in common with these people. I knew of a world full of fun and excitement. My past weekends included doing things like going to bars, going to see a movie, having cookouts with family or friends, taking my kids to the park, camping, fishing, or going shopping. Not once did anyone there make plans to go do anything outside of Empire. They all lived each day looking for a way to get high, or a way to make a quick dollar so that they could get high.
I wanted so badly to have something in common with D, with this lifestyle, so that giving up my life with my kids would be somewhat worth it. Toward the end of my four month stay I was not the same strong person I started out as. I had been pressured to try every drug you could possibly name and even though i was able to turn them down, there was one drug that I decided was not a big deal to try.
I smoked pot for my first time as a teenager. It made me dizzy, sick to my stomach and made me pass out. On three different occasions I tried to smoke pot when I was 16. That was the only drug I had ever done and I didn't plan on doing anything ever again, until living in Empire that is. Marijuana was everywhere, cheap and everyone smoked it. I came to a point of wanting something in common with these people and this was the only thing I could see myself doing and told myself it wasn't a big deal.
The first few times it made me sick just the same way as when I was a teenager. Many people laughed about how it made me feel and poked fun at me for not being able to handle it. Even though it made me sick, I kept smoking it. It took me about 7 times of smoking pot before I started to feel "high" like everyone else. When I say I smoked pot, it wasn't like your thinking. I never smoked more than two hits off a joint and only one hit from a blunt. I could smoke one puff and get stoned while everyone else would smoke an entire joint or blunt. Joints are like a rolled up cigarette and blunts are like a cigar.
The first time I got high it scared me to death. I thought I was going to die. My heart was beating heavily in my chest and I felt like a brick was on my chest making it hard for me to breathe. My face was numb, i couldn't hold my eyes open very wide and I couldn't talk. I could hear everyone around me laughing and talking about me but I couldn't respond. At one point I elbowed David and told him I wasn't feeling right and he reassured me that I was just stoned. This feeling lasted about 30 minutes. When I finally came around to my self I said I wouldn't ever smoke again, yet just days later I did. I smoked pot 6 days in a row, every afternoon, telling myself it was to help me sleep, which it did.
Looking back, that makes me sick knowing that I changed what I believe in for someone else. I was living a lifestyle that went against every belief I had. My morals and my faith were tested heavily. With each passing day I failed, as a mother and as a christian.
I began feeling like an outsider. I had very little in common with these people. I knew of a world full of fun and excitement. My past weekends included doing things like going to bars, going to see a movie, having cookouts with family or friends, taking my kids to the park, camping, fishing, or going shopping. Not once did anyone there make plans to go do anything outside of Empire. They all lived each day looking for a way to get high, or a way to make a quick dollar so that they could get high.
I wanted so badly to have something in common with D, with this lifestyle, so that giving up my life with my kids would be somewhat worth it. Toward the end of my four month stay I was not the same strong person I started out as. I had been pressured to try every drug you could possibly name and even though i was able to turn them down, there was one drug that I decided was not a big deal to try.
I smoked pot for my first time as a teenager. It made me dizzy, sick to my stomach and made me pass out. On three different occasions I tried to smoke pot when I was 16. That was the only drug I had ever done and I didn't plan on doing anything ever again, until living in Empire that is. Marijuana was everywhere, cheap and everyone smoked it. I came to a point of wanting something in common with these people and this was the only thing I could see myself doing and told myself it wasn't a big deal.
The first few times it made me sick just the same way as when I was a teenager. Many people laughed about how it made me feel and poked fun at me for not being able to handle it. Even though it made me sick, I kept smoking it. It took me about 7 times of smoking pot before I started to feel "high" like everyone else. When I say I smoked pot, it wasn't like your thinking. I never smoked more than two hits off a joint and only one hit from a blunt. I could smoke one puff and get stoned while everyone else would smoke an entire joint or blunt. Joints are like a rolled up cigarette and blunts are like a cigar.
The first time I got high it scared me to death. I thought I was going to die. My heart was beating heavily in my chest and I felt like a brick was on my chest making it hard for me to breathe. My face was numb, i couldn't hold my eyes open very wide and I couldn't talk. I could hear everyone around me laughing and talking about me but I couldn't respond. At one point I elbowed David and told him I wasn't feeling right and he reassured me that I was just stoned. This feeling lasted about 30 minutes. When I finally came around to my self I said I wouldn't ever smoke again, yet just days later I did. I smoked pot 6 days in a row, every afternoon, telling myself it was to help me sleep, which it did.
Looking back, that makes me sick knowing that I changed what I believe in for someone else. I was living a lifestyle that went against every belief I had. My morals and my faith were tested heavily. With each passing day I failed, as a mother and as a christian.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My Seasonal Affairs
When I talk about my seasonal depression and how it always coinsides with my marriage problems its because of something I've done. Every bad thing that has happened, I've been the one to do it. I'm not saying my husband is the perfect husband, but I didn't give him very much to work with. Every time he would get over something I did, it wouldn't be long before I did it all over again, maybe something a little different but always something hurtful to him. It started like this. . . . .
I turned 21 while pregnant with mackensi so after having her I went in a phase of wanting to go to bars. Jamie said he was over the whole bar scene and refused to go with me but when one of his friends would call him up to go play darts or meet up at a bar he was all for it. One of our biggest fights would be that anytime Jamie wanted to go somewhere, or go do something he would just get up and go, after work, before work, on the weekends, no matter what was going on with me and the kids Jamie was able to come and go as he pleased while I wasn't able to do that. If I wanted to get out of the house to go visit my friends or do anything with out my kids I had to ASK Jamie. There was no such thing as just saying "hey, I'm going to visit Lisa and will be back later". He would always get mad and say He wasn't my built in babysitter yet I felt that's all I was to him. When i would go out, I would lie to Jamie about what time I planned on coming home. Some of the times I had full intentions of staying out later than what I would tell him, however there were also other times that I wouldn't be feeling in a good mood and I would get there and end up coming home early. Other times, I would get to the bar, end up having a blast and just not want to come home. So, going out was a big problem for me, I felt I had to lie and say "oh I wont be out passed 10 or 11" given that I didn't leave the house until around 8 sometimes 9pm that is sort of early to be leaving a club. There were plenty of nights I didn't get to the bar until 10 and no one would even show up until 11 or 12 and those were the nights I would end up having so much fun.
When I would be feeling lonely and depressed I would always find someone or something to occupy my time. The second year of our marriage i was in college so I had my schooling to keep me busy. However, the third year I turned to my first love Tyler, on myspace. I stopped contact with him after Jamie and I got married but I found him and we began emailing each other. Up until marrying Jamie, Tyler and I had kept in close contact. Though we always talked I had not seen him since I was 14years old. He lived in Florida and was in a serious relationship that was rocky like mine. We would email, text and even talk on the phone whenever we were feeling lonely or depressed.
The fourth year of our marriage I turned to excessive exercising. I joined a co-ed volleyball group at the local YMCA. I was working a 40hr week job while going 3 to 5 days a week. I would workout and play volleyball, and even have practice. Jamie wasn't very supportive of this. He would often complain if I asked him to watch the kids while I went, and I even asked him to attend practices to watch me and he wouldn't. He hurt me the most when I had a game and I begged him to bring mackensi to watch me play and he wouldn't do it. He sat at home with her while I went by myself. That January, for the first time, Jamie and I agreed to separate. However, days before Jamie was set to move out I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter and therefore we thought that was God's way of saying this relationship is meant to be so we stayed together and made it another year.
Just like clockwork, a year after Madison was born the depression set in again. I became emotionally attached to one of Jamie's friends. Just like with Tyler, this man and I would exchange emails, texts, and phone calls. I would even go spend time with him at his home without the company of my husband. Looking back on this I now see how inappropriate that was.
With every passing year I added another problem to our already long list. Our arguments lasted longer and were louder, even using curse words and arguing heavily in front of the kids.We discussed marriage counseling but our insurance wouldn't cover it and we couldn't afford it. We tried getting back in church regularly thinking that turning to God would solve our problems but even that was unsuccessful.
It wasn't until our 6th year of marriage that things finally completely fell apart. I got over my emotional attachment to Jamie's friend around March and things seem to be getting better. Just like every year before, come August things became rocky but this time things were different for both of us. Jamie had someone on his side, someone he turned to for advice and support.Jamie was having his own emotional affair.
I once again found myself grasping the attention of yet another man,this time.... my high school sweetheart, the drug addict, David, whom I left my husband to go be with.
I turned 21 while pregnant with mackensi so after having her I went in a phase of wanting to go to bars. Jamie said he was over the whole bar scene and refused to go with me but when one of his friends would call him up to go play darts or meet up at a bar he was all for it. One of our biggest fights would be that anytime Jamie wanted to go somewhere, or go do something he would just get up and go, after work, before work, on the weekends, no matter what was going on with me and the kids Jamie was able to come and go as he pleased while I wasn't able to do that. If I wanted to get out of the house to go visit my friends or do anything with out my kids I had to ASK Jamie. There was no such thing as just saying "hey, I'm going to visit Lisa and will be back later". He would always get mad and say He wasn't my built in babysitter yet I felt that's all I was to him. When i would go out, I would lie to Jamie about what time I planned on coming home. Some of the times I had full intentions of staying out later than what I would tell him, however there were also other times that I wouldn't be feeling in a good mood and I would get there and end up coming home early. Other times, I would get to the bar, end up having a blast and just not want to come home. So, going out was a big problem for me, I felt I had to lie and say "oh I wont be out passed 10 or 11" given that I didn't leave the house until around 8 sometimes 9pm that is sort of early to be leaving a club. There were plenty of nights I didn't get to the bar until 10 and no one would even show up until 11 or 12 and those were the nights I would end up having so much fun.
When I would be feeling lonely and depressed I would always find someone or something to occupy my time. The second year of our marriage i was in college so I had my schooling to keep me busy. However, the third year I turned to my first love Tyler, on myspace. I stopped contact with him after Jamie and I got married but I found him and we began emailing each other. Up until marrying Jamie, Tyler and I had kept in close contact. Though we always talked I had not seen him since I was 14years old. He lived in Florida and was in a serious relationship that was rocky like mine. We would email, text and even talk on the phone whenever we were feeling lonely or depressed.
The fourth year of our marriage I turned to excessive exercising. I joined a co-ed volleyball group at the local YMCA. I was working a 40hr week job while going 3 to 5 days a week. I would workout and play volleyball, and even have practice. Jamie wasn't very supportive of this. He would often complain if I asked him to watch the kids while I went, and I even asked him to attend practices to watch me and he wouldn't. He hurt me the most when I had a game and I begged him to bring mackensi to watch me play and he wouldn't do it. He sat at home with her while I went by myself. That January, for the first time, Jamie and I agreed to separate. However, days before Jamie was set to move out I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter and therefore we thought that was God's way of saying this relationship is meant to be so we stayed together and made it another year.
Just like clockwork, a year after Madison was born the depression set in again. I became emotionally attached to one of Jamie's friends. Just like with Tyler, this man and I would exchange emails, texts, and phone calls. I would even go spend time with him at his home without the company of my husband. Looking back on this I now see how inappropriate that was.
With every passing year I added another problem to our already long list. Our arguments lasted longer and were louder, even using curse words and arguing heavily in front of the kids.We discussed marriage counseling but our insurance wouldn't cover it and we couldn't afford it. We tried getting back in church regularly thinking that turning to God would solve our problems but even that was unsuccessful.
It wasn't until our 6th year of marriage that things finally completely fell apart. I got over my emotional attachment to Jamie's friend around March and things seem to be getting better. Just like every year before, come August things became rocky but this time things were different for both of us. Jamie had someone on his side, someone he turned to for advice and support.Jamie was having his own emotional affair.
I once again found myself grasping the attention of yet another man,this time.... my high school sweetheart, the drug addict, David, whom I left my husband to go be with.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Speak up or Keep quiet ?
I think this is going to be a long one since I've had a day or two to sit around thinking about it.
During random gossiping you will almost always hear of a situation or a circumstance when someone says "OMG, she crossed the line with that!". I've been known to say it myself, about other people, a lot. Of course if you are familiar with my life and or my blogging you know all too well about my bad choices. I'm not one to claim to make all the right choices, I make no claim to perfection as No one should, No one is perfect.
To some people rules are meant to be broken and lines made to be crossed. While other people tip toe around lines and walk along borders trying not to cross them. Sometimes we as the not so perfect human race, we loose our balance and fall over but at what mindset is a person at that can walk up to a line and knowingly cross it without caring about how their actions are affecting other people involved?
As you already know I have tip toed around and even crossed some lines myself. Many times during the course of my marriage. Each time I crossed a line I can say that from my own personal experience I did so during a selfish phase. A phase that was set off by a misguided childhood full of chaos and instability, my long periods of untreated depression, and escalated by an underlying phycosis of bipolar disorder. All my problems seemed to begin around the fall and escalate around the first of the year then taper off around February or March. Doctors called it Seasonal Depression, my husband called it Bipolar long before I was diagnosed and everyone else just seems to think I'm a very selfish person.
My biggest line crossing was leaving my husband & children for a drug addict. We all know about this one but there have been other times I crossed lines during my marriage. I had several emotional affairs with other men, I will go more into that on another day. Back in October, I hit a breaking point in my head. I can only describe it as feeling controlled for most of my life, a time had come that I had to let go of everyone and everything that held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to find some control for myself. I just went about it the wrong way. Making mistake after mistake and not having a clue how to fix what problems I set up for myself. Am I saying that everyone that crosses lines is having a bipolar manic episode like I did, no way. Not at all. I believe you have to take a step back and look at a person's overall character. If their actions are typical of how they would react on any given day then they are just a self centered person.
There is more to crossing the line for my story. Other people crossed lines during all this chaos and they just don't get it. They don't know when to back off. That, or either they just don't care. My husband and I are trying to move on, slowly we are making progress. That is until "his other person" decided to pop back in. My other person has not tried to contact me, nor have I had any contact with people in Empire (that are not family that is). That is how it should be. It should be as if they didn't exists. I have enough going for me that reminds everyone of what I did, we don't need "the other person" right there poking and swooping back in.
So, my curiosity for this blog is wondering at what point should you step in and say something, if at all? My husband says, "give someone enough rope and let them hang themselves", I say stop it before it goes too far. He has always been the type to ignore problems hoping they will go away. Some problems (or people)don't go away that easily.
On the other hand, I have learned that sometimes stepping in just causes more problems but keeping my mouth shut has not always been a problem for me. I use to be the type of person that would sit back, cry and let people say whatever or do whatever they wanted to do (controlling me) no matter how it made me feel. This is the part of me that changed. I will stand up for what I believe, I will not always be right, but at least I will be in control. I will make mistakes but in life that's the only way to learn. I will stand up for my family, my friends, my kids and my husband.
To sum up how I feel at the end of this blogging session....
If you have crossed a line, with me, my husband, or anyone in my family that I care about,whether it be in the past or in the future, I will not keep my mouth shut. I will speak my mind. I will blog about my life and the people that have involved themselves in my situations. If you didn't want to be talked about then you should have made different choices.
I am dealing with the consequences of my bad choices, you should have thought about the consequences of yours.
During random gossiping you will almost always hear of a situation or a circumstance when someone says "OMG, she crossed the line with that!". I've been known to say it myself, about other people, a lot. Of course if you are familiar with my life and or my blogging you know all too well about my bad choices. I'm not one to claim to make all the right choices, I make no claim to perfection as No one should, No one is perfect.
To some people rules are meant to be broken and lines made to be crossed. While other people tip toe around lines and walk along borders trying not to cross them. Sometimes we as the not so perfect human race, we loose our balance and fall over but at what mindset is a person at that can walk up to a line and knowingly cross it without caring about how their actions are affecting other people involved?
As you already know I have tip toed around and even crossed some lines myself. Many times during the course of my marriage. Each time I crossed a line I can say that from my own personal experience I did so during a selfish phase. A phase that was set off by a misguided childhood full of chaos and instability, my long periods of untreated depression, and escalated by an underlying phycosis of bipolar disorder. All my problems seemed to begin around the fall and escalate around the first of the year then taper off around February or March. Doctors called it Seasonal Depression, my husband called it Bipolar long before I was diagnosed and everyone else just seems to think I'm a very selfish person.
My biggest line crossing was leaving my husband & children for a drug addict. We all know about this one but there have been other times I crossed lines during my marriage. I had several emotional affairs with other men, I will go more into that on another day. Back in October, I hit a breaking point in my head. I can only describe it as feeling controlled for most of my life, a time had come that I had to let go of everyone and everything that held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to find some control for myself. I just went about it the wrong way. Making mistake after mistake and not having a clue how to fix what problems I set up for myself. Am I saying that everyone that crosses lines is having a bipolar manic episode like I did, no way. Not at all. I believe you have to take a step back and look at a person's overall character. If their actions are typical of how they would react on any given day then they are just a self centered person.
There is more to crossing the line for my story. Other people crossed lines during all this chaos and they just don't get it. They don't know when to back off. That, or either they just don't care. My husband and I are trying to move on, slowly we are making progress. That is until "his other person" decided to pop back in. My other person has not tried to contact me, nor have I had any contact with people in Empire (that are not family that is). That is how it should be. It should be as if they didn't exists. I have enough going for me that reminds everyone of what I did, we don't need "the other person" right there poking and swooping back in.
So, my curiosity for this blog is wondering at what point should you step in and say something, if at all? My husband says, "give someone enough rope and let them hang themselves", I say stop it before it goes too far. He has always been the type to ignore problems hoping they will go away. Some problems (or people)don't go away that easily.
On the other hand, I have learned that sometimes stepping in just causes more problems but keeping my mouth shut has not always been a problem for me. I use to be the type of person that would sit back, cry and let people say whatever or do whatever they wanted to do (controlling me) no matter how it made me feel. This is the part of me that changed. I will stand up for what I believe, I will not always be right, but at least I will be in control. I will make mistakes but in life that's the only way to learn. I will stand up for my family, my friends, my kids and my husband.
To sum up how I feel at the end of this blogging session....
If you have crossed a line, with me, my husband, or anyone in my family that I care about,whether it be in the past or in the future, I will not keep my mouth shut. I will speak my mind. I will blog about my life and the people that have involved themselves in my situations. If you didn't want to be talked about then you should have made different choices.
I am dealing with the consequences of my bad choices, you should have thought about the consequences of yours.
Random thoughts
I have said many times already that I agree I am not the same person I was years ago. I am no longer Tiffany that will be told who to be, or Tiffany that will be who everyone else thinks she should be. I will not act a certain way just because you think its the right way. I will not live my life by anyone elses standards. I will live my life the way I want to live it.
We only get one chance at living life so why would you want to live for anyone other than God or yourself, your family, your husband? I want to be able to look back years from now and be able to say that I did what made Tiffany Happy. I did what made my kids happy, I did what made my husband happy. If I live my life according to how everyone else thinks I should live then who's life am I living? Mine or yours?
**If you cross a line with me, I will not keep my mouth shut. If you don't want me to reference you in my life then you should have thought about that before you "became Involved". Just sayin.**
On another note....
I write my blogs b/c people are going to talk about me no matter what I do. At least I give the facts and give the truth of what happened. No one has to wonder or do the "he said, she said", I make talking about me easier and more convienant on everyone. If your going to talk about me, at least talk about the truth. Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. God made me and God doesnt make mistakes.
We only get one chance at living life so why would you want to live for anyone other than God or yourself, your family, your husband? I want to be able to look back years from now and be able to say that I did what made Tiffany Happy. I did what made my kids happy, I did what made my husband happy. If I live my life according to how everyone else thinks I should live then who's life am I living? Mine or yours?
**If you cross a line with me, I will not keep my mouth shut. If you don't want me to reference you in my life then you should have thought about that before you "became Involved". Just sayin.**
On another note....
I write my blogs b/c people are going to talk about me no matter what I do. At least I give the facts and give the truth of what happened. No one has to wonder or do the "he said, she said", I make talking about me easier and more convienant on everyone. If your going to talk about me, at least talk about the truth. Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. God made me and God doesnt make mistakes.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Motivation, where does it come from?
What is it that drives people to do better in life? Is it something they were born with, like a specific gene or personality trait?
I'm constantly thinking back on my life growing up and seeing how my child hood has played a big part in the type of person I am today. I know there are many people that have experienced a more traumatic life that I have lived, and don't think this is about a pity part because it's far from it, but my life doesn't match up to what I see in other people.
For example, from my perspective I grew up poor. I had shoes with holes in them, jeans ripped and stained, toys from the thrift store and had to share a bunk bed with my half brother that is three years younger than me. We shared a bedroom in a single wide trailer, we had just enough room for our bed and TV stand. We shared a small closet and a small dresser. While kids at school were talking about the latest video game systems, my dad was looking for parts for our Atari at the thrift store.
As if my living conditions were not enough, I was scrawny, not skinny. Until I hit puberty that is. My family says that as a small girl I looked sickly. I assume that means I looked like a kid that didn't get fed the right types of food. In defense to my dad's girlfriend (will also be referred to as my step-mom Tena) I remember her cooking every day. Dad enforced the rule that you don't get up from the table until all your food is gone. As for my hair, I had kinky curly hair that my step-mom insisted on brushing everyday instead of wetting and putting gel on it. No one ever took me to the dentist and therefore I grew up with a severe overbite that could have been corrected if they would have took advantage of the free medicaid I had due to our low income family. This was one of the biggest issues I dealt with growing up. I was constantly made fun of for my teeth. Something that could have been easily fixed had my "parents" had the motivation to do better than what they had going for them. So, I ask again, where does motivation come from?
My dad worked, I can remember him having several different jobs. I am not sure why he couldn't hold onto any one specific one but he did work. We had food stamps and free health insurance provided by the government so all the basics were covered. We had just enough to get by. My dad has always been a musician and just like a clock on the wall every Friday & Saturday night my father would go to some random bar and play with his band till 3:00 a.m. or so, every weekend for as long as I can remember. He still does this to this very day. I ask, where did all his money go? I could understand being poor if we had a lot of bills but my dad never has had a brand new car, or cell phones or any expensive items. Everything we owned was paid for except our lot rent for our trailer.
It's selfish of me to ask why didn't he try harder to provide better, but I do so because I could never be truly happy if I knew my own children were going through a similar situation. Did my father not see how we kids were mistreated due to his inability to provide his family with basic needs of clothing and dental care? Did my step-mom not care that I came home from school constantly crying because of other kids poking fun of me? I would never let my children continue to be put in a situation like that, especially one that can be easily changed.
As a mother, it breaks my heart to know that some parents lack certain motivation to do better for their children. I'm not the perfect mother, no one is, but I like to think that when my kids look back on how I've raised them they will be able to say that I did my best.
I'm constantly thinking back on my life growing up and seeing how my child hood has played a big part in the type of person I am today. I know there are many people that have experienced a more traumatic life that I have lived, and don't think this is about a pity part because it's far from it, but my life doesn't match up to what I see in other people.
For example, from my perspective I grew up poor. I had shoes with holes in them, jeans ripped and stained, toys from the thrift store and had to share a bunk bed with my half brother that is three years younger than me. We shared a bedroom in a single wide trailer, we had just enough room for our bed and TV stand. We shared a small closet and a small dresser. While kids at school were talking about the latest video game systems, my dad was looking for parts for our Atari at the thrift store.
As if my living conditions were not enough, I was scrawny, not skinny. Until I hit puberty that is. My family says that as a small girl I looked sickly. I assume that means I looked like a kid that didn't get fed the right types of food. In defense to my dad's girlfriend (will also be referred to as my step-mom Tena) I remember her cooking every day. Dad enforced the rule that you don't get up from the table until all your food is gone. As for my hair, I had kinky curly hair that my step-mom insisted on brushing everyday instead of wetting and putting gel on it. No one ever took me to the dentist and therefore I grew up with a severe overbite that could have been corrected if they would have took advantage of the free medicaid I had due to our low income family. This was one of the biggest issues I dealt with growing up. I was constantly made fun of for my teeth. Something that could have been easily fixed had my "parents" had the motivation to do better than what they had going for them. So, I ask again, where does motivation come from?
My dad worked, I can remember him having several different jobs. I am not sure why he couldn't hold onto any one specific one but he did work. We had food stamps and free health insurance provided by the government so all the basics were covered. We had just enough to get by. My dad has always been a musician and just like a clock on the wall every Friday & Saturday night my father would go to some random bar and play with his band till 3:00 a.m. or so, every weekend for as long as I can remember. He still does this to this very day. I ask, where did all his money go? I could understand being poor if we had a lot of bills but my dad never has had a brand new car, or cell phones or any expensive items. Everything we owned was paid for except our lot rent for our trailer.
It's selfish of me to ask why didn't he try harder to provide better, but I do so because I could never be truly happy if I knew my own children were going through a similar situation. Did my father not see how we kids were mistreated due to his inability to provide his family with basic needs of clothing and dental care? Did my step-mom not care that I came home from school constantly crying because of other kids poking fun of me? I would never let my children continue to be put in a situation like that, especially one that can be easily changed.
As a mother, it breaks my heart to know that some parents lack certain motivation to do better for their children. I'm not the perfect mother, no one is, but I like to think that when my kids look back on how I've raised them they will be able to say that I did my best.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
When your time on earth is finished.
My heart has been very heavily saddened by the deaths of everyone in Concord & Pleasant Grove. Some people I only knew by other friends, and some I met personally. All my family are alive and doing well, Glory be to my Lord Jesus Christ! There have been so many stories surrounding deaths. Stories telling details of how some people were killed. People have witnessed things that I would never wish on an enemy (if I had enemies).
With the recent events surrounding the tornado that hit my hometown communities, I have come to a dark, unpleasant realization. Had I not been saved, brought back to my family in bessemer, where could I have been when this tornado hit? There is a very possible chance I could have been in Dora, or Empire, or Sipsey. I very well could have died had I been in a place that I shouldn't have ever been to.
Have you ever seen the movie "Joe Dirt"? When thinking about that movie many people refer back to a famous quote he said many times through out the movie. "Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?"
Thinking back on how I lived my life between October 14th 2010 and Feb 8th 2011, im ashamed and amazed at the same time. I am so very lucky that Jesus hasn't came back yet. I would never want anyone I know that loves me to physically see me doing the things I was doing. I have said over and over that I never did any of the drugs other than smoke pot at the end, but I was fully aware that drugs were hiding in my bedroom, at times underneath my clothes or in the pockets of D & his friends while riding wth me in my car. The places I went, the people I was interacting with, omg, there is no way I would have anyone I love to witness these actions, much less to have Jesus come back while I was there.
This gets me thinking, Im sure other people can relate. Im positive I have seen church members in the very same bars & night clubs that I have been in. Im not aware that they noticed me, but I noticed them, all the same Jesus knows everything we do. We can hide from the preacher, and even to some extent hide what we do from the people we love but we can never hide our actions & behaviors from God.
Does anyone really rationally think to themselves, "OMG, this isnt how I want God to see me when he decideds to send Jesus to take all christians back to heaven with him!"? I doubt it. When we make bad choices, when we have bad habits, when our behavior changes we are never thinking of our consiquenses. We are thinking of ourselves and what sort of happiness we can get from the particular situation. The recent Tornado that destroyed much of Alabama has brought forth this uneasy reality of "you never know when your time on earth is over".
There is a probability that when the tornado hit Tuscaloosa, Brookwood, Concord, Pleasant Grove, McDonald's chapel, pratt city and so on, there is a chance that some people were not in places they were suppose to be, many could have been lying about where they were. I can't imagine how my family would have felt if I had been killed while living in Empire. If I had been in a car wreck, or been shot. I can't imagine the story being told that had I not been in a place I knew I wasn't suppose to be that I wouldn't have died. The fact that I took my kids around this area. Jamie was so upset by the thought that I would have my children around drug addicts and drug dealers. He was so afraid that something bad could happen to them while in my care. He has every right to be afraid, to have this fear is reality. If my kids and I would have been in Empire while this tornado hit and we were killed it would cause such grief for my entire family and his.
You should look at your life, the way you live everyday and know in your heart that you are living in a way that pleases God. You should be able to say that your actions on a daily basis are pleasing to him. You should be able to say from the bottom of your heart that if right now in this very moment you were to die that you are in a good place and you wouldnt have shame or regret. We should all live to please God. We should always think about our actions, our words, our behaviors and ask ourselves, Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?
I can't change my past actions, my past mistakes, or choices I made. All I can change is what I plan to do in my future. I have shame, regret, sorrow, understanding and consiquenses for my actions. I know NOW what not to do. I know where I have been I will never go there again.
I have learned from my mistakes. Im just lucky and blessed to serve a God that loves me enough to bring me back to where I was suppose to be in the first place.Other people may not get the opportunity to be so lucky. There are some people out there, maybe yourself that are doing bad things or going places you shouldnt go, telling lies and being decietfull.
I hope that you realize what your doing could have major consiquences. You never know what they will be untill its too late.
ARE YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO BE WHEN JESUS COMES BACK?
Something, you should take time to think about.
With the recent events surrounding the tornado that hit my hometown communities, I have come to a dark, unpleasant realization. Had I not been saved, brought back to my family in bessemer, where could I have been when this tornado hit? There is a very possible chance I could have been in Dora, or Empire, or Sipsey. I very well could have died had I been in a place that I shouldn't have ever been to.
Have you ever seen the movie "Joe Dirt"? When thinking about that movie many people refer back to a famous quote he said many times through out the movie. "Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?"
Thinking back on how I lived my life between October 14th 2010 and Feb 8th 2011, im ashamed and amazed at the same time. I am so very lucky that Jesus hasn't came back yet. I would never want anyone I know that loves me to physically see me doing the things I was doing. I have said over and over that I never did any of the drugs other than smoke pot at the end, but I was fully aware that drugs were hiding in my bedroom, at times underneath my clothes or in the pockets of D & his friends while riding wth me in my car. The places I went, the people I was interacting with, omg, there is no way I would have anyone I love to witness these actions, much less to have Jesus come back while I was there.
This gets me thinking, Im sure other people can relate. Im positive I have seen church members in the very same bars & night clubs that I have been in. Im not aware that they noticed me, but I noticed them, all the same Jesus knows everything we do. We can hide from the preacher, and even to some extent hide what we do from the people we love but we can never hide our actions & behaviors from God.
Does anyone really rationally think to themselves, "OMG, this isnt how I want God to see me when he decideds to send Jesus to take all christians back to heaven with him!"? I doubt it. When we make bad choices, when we have bad habits, when our behavior changes we are never thinking of our consiquenses. We are thinking of ourselves and what sort of happiness we can get from the particular situation. The recent Tornado that destroyed much of Alabama has brought forth this uneasy reality of "you never know when your time on earth is over".
There is a probability that when the tornado hit Tuscaloosa, Brookwood, Concord, Pleasant Grove, McDonald's chapel, pratt city and so on, there is a chance that some people were not in places they were suppose to be, many could have been lying about where they were. I can't imagine how my family would have felt if I had been killed while living in Empire. If I had been in a car wreck, or been shot. I can't imagine the story being told that had I not been in a place I knew I wasn't suppose to be that I wouldn't have died. The fact that I took my kids around this area. Jamie was so upset by the thought that I would have my children around drug addicts and drug dealers. He was so afraid that something bad could happen to them while in my care. He has every right to be afraid, to have this fear is reality. If my kids and I would have been in Empire while this tornado hit and we were killed it would cause such grief for my entire family and his.
You should look at your life, the way you live everyday and know in your heart that you are living in a way that pleases God. You should be able to say that your actions on a daily basis are pleasing to him. You should be able to say from the bottom of your heart that if right now in this very moment you were to die that you are in a good place and you wouldnt have shame or regret. We should all live to please God. We should always think about our actions, our words, our behaviors and ask ourselves, Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?
I can't change my past actions, my past mistakes, or choices I made. All I can change is what I plan to do in my future. I have shame, regret, sorrow, understanding and consiquenses for my actions. I know NOW what not to do. I know where I have been I will never go there again.
I have learned from my mistakes. Im just lucky and blessed to serve a God that loves me enough to bring me back to where I was suppose to be in the first place.Other people may not get the opportunity to be so lucky. There are some people out there, maybe yourself that are doing bad things or going places you shouldnt go, telling lies and being decietfull.
I hope that you realize what your doing could have major consiquences. You never know what they will be untill its too late.
ARE YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO BE WHEN JESUS COMES BACK?
Something, you should take time to think about.
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