Life has its UPS & DOWNS, I am going to write about them all.
DISCLAIMER:
These blogs are the raw, unedited truth. This is as real as it gets, no lies, nothing hidden. My cards are laid out on the table. Most people in life try to keep their secrets hidden & in doing so the general population make up their own asumptions of what is going on, this is also known as rumors. I figure, People are going to talk about me so why not give them the truth, all the facts, no parts left out. So, this is me, take it or leave it. Either you like me or you dont but at least Im REAL.
When my oldest daughter was 3yrs old, she asked to be in a pageant. It came about after I took her with me to watch my best friend put her own daughter in one. At such young ages and being new to the world of pageants, I was not aware of the crazy things some mothers put their kids through to try to win.
I put her in two different pageants, her first she didn't place but she won a participant trophy which made her day, the second she placed as 4th alternate (out of 10 girls), this trophy was a little bigger and she was just as happy. I am unsure as to what happened that made me stop doing pageants.
Feb. 17th 2008 Kensi first Pageant
I was at work when I received a phone call from my mother in law, she had found out that her other daughter-in law had registered her 11 year old in a local pageant and was curious if my daughter would like to do it too. My initial instinct was to say no, i don't want to fool with it right now, BUT then I realized how upset my daughter would become if she found out her cousin was in a pageant and I didn't let her do it too. So, I said Of Course Mackensi will want to do it too! So it began. The craziness and confusion, and lets not forget the stress I experienced doing this pageant is enough to last me a very long time.
Why was it so difficult you wonder? Well, first of all, I got this phone call 8 days before the pageant! I had 7 days to find my daughter a dress, get her an appointment for hair/makeup and get her to learn how to do the walk. I got lucky (if you call it that) my sister-in-law had a friend that was friends with a pageant lady that rented/sold dresses & my mother-in-law was meeting up with her later that day, so I agreed to rush over there after work with Kensi to try on dresses. This is where most of my stress came from, dealing with this dress lady! I didn't have the money to be paying for all the things that she needed to do this pageant, but luckily my mother-in-law offered to pay for her dress rental (b/c she paid for the other granddaughters dress too, & I Love her dress).
This is Kensi's Cousin
To begin with, the place I went to was a storage facility, not a dress store. When I walked in, immediately the place reeked of urine. Of course I had a disgusted look on my face so when my mother-in-law saw me she asked where was Kensi, well she was eating a sucker and I felt she didn't need to be around expensive dresses given the chance to get one dirty. The dress lady smartly replies 'she has to be in here to try on the dresses' - well, I know that but do you want her to come in here with candy and get them sticky? Seriously lady....Anyhow, next is when she pulls out a royal blue dress for my pale white blonde headed daughter: UM NO... I shake my head that I don't like it (As well as my daughter standing with her back to me is shaking her head she doesn't like it either) my MIL (mother in law is getting annoying to type so MIL will suffice) said OK, what about another one....Next dress, Bright RED...UM NO, I shake my head again along with my daughter shaking her head no, a few more dresses get a head shake as well so then the dress lady looks at me and says ' I don't think I have anything in here your going to like' I reply, well, you haven't shown me everything, then she asks ' have you ever done pageants before? You have to try the dresses ON to know what they look like on your kid' Yes lady, I've done a few & my best friend does them all the time. I just know what I'm looking for and that is not it. Then my MIL steps in and takes over looking and picks out three dresses I don't like but b/c she is paying and obviously me and this owner and not seeing eye to eye, I let her have the control. The dress they decided they wanted I didn't like at all. It had NO rhinestones on it at all. BUT my daughter LOVED it & the lady promised to add some to it over the weekend. (trying to cut this a little shorter) Long story made shorter, My MIL had to take the other granddaughter home so I decided I didn't want to get this dress without talking to my best friend first, besides she has done hundreds of pageants with her daughter and she wins every time so she knows what she is doing. Of course when I speak to her I find out she is really good friends with this lady and says I should get the dress if it fits Kensi and if Kensi likes it SO I DID. After I got the dress from the lady I still wasn't happy with it. I was told that this was a 'Natural' Pageant and that she didn't need a glitz dress so I thought maybe it would be OK.
This is my girl KENSI
The day of the pageant I took Kensi to 'pageant practice' where we saw all the other contestants. One little girl in her age group stood out from the entire crowd of girls and I later on found out she was nicknamed 'Hollywood'. She was either 7 or 8, had bleached blonde hair, a jersey shore type tan, and the diva mom to go along with the package. She looked like she came straight out of the 'toddlers & tiara's' show. I was thinking either this girl would WIN or she would Loose Big Time. Later that day when it came time for her hair/makeup I saw what I thought I would NOT see at this type pageant. As we were getting out of the car, there was a woman carrying a bag of pixie sticks into the salon. In the pageant world of 'toddlers & tiaras' this is known as "Pageant Crack" b/c it is used to hype up the children. As if that wasn't enough, while my daughter was having her hair done, I watched the mother feed her 5 year old three packs of cotton candy as well. Within 30 minutes I saw that child go from shy to bouncing off the walls. At this point I was so ready for this night to be over with.
When we got to the pageant and saw all the other girls, it was apparent to me that my daughter would have a very slim chance to win. Every child that was participating in the pageant had on a dress that was more of a glitz dress, covered in rhinestones, while my daughter's dress was very simple. Here are some examples:
I stayed positive for Kensi, she was happy with her dress and excited to be there. I took lots of pictures and even took a video of her walk across the stage.
There were 28 girls in her age group. There were a few girls that looked nice and did their walk better than Kensi, but when it came time for crowning, I felt she should at least place in top 10. I was wrong. There were girls in the top ten that messed up on their walk so I figured it had to be her dress.
Even though she didn't place, my little girl stood on that stage with a big smile and clapped for all the winners as their names were called out. While I panned my video camera to all the other girls, some were stomping their feet, some had arms crossed, and little miss 'Hollywood' was crying her little eyes out b/c she didn't make top 10.
This is the Crowning
I honestly felt bad for her. That is not what our girls should be taught when doing pageants. It is not a sad thing to not win. It just means it isn't your time to shine. It was a very proud moment for me as a mom, the first thing my daughter said to me is 'When can I do another pageant?'
While this post about my pageant experience is long, I've left out some major drama that occurred at the pageant. A mom of one of the girls in the pageant stole a wallet from another pageant mom while in the dressing room. That mom, the thief, just happened to be my sister-in-law's best friend, the friend of the pageant dress owner. There is more drama with that situation that I can not discuss out of respect for the person that told me but let's just say that the things women will do to get their daughters a dress is low down, and I know ALL ABOUT IT!
The Way I see it: Drama & Stress Aside, my girl loves to do pageants, and as long as she knows she is beautiful inside & out regardless of what a few judges think & remains a good sport about not winning, then I am happy to continue doing pageants with her. BUT LESSON LEARNED: Do what I WANT not what other's want b/c in the end, if I have done everything the way I wanted it done then I have nothing to complain about.
B.T. W. I am gearing up to put her in another pageant April 1st.
I really meant to write a blog about my pageant experience weeks ago, but I've become a bit of a procrastinator now that I am having to juggle a full-time job & still taking care of my two daughters & the hubs. Honestly, I spend Monday through Friday sitting at a desk, using my math skills and doing A LOT of typing. By the end of each day my brain is literally too tired to think about anything other than going home and going to bed. On the weekends I am so busy trying to catch up on laundry & other chores that fall behind during the week and because I only see my children for about 2 hours each afternoon after I get home from work, I spend the rest of my available time with them. Therefore, I have little to NO time for blogging. Call it LAZY, or just procrastination, either way I am sorry, for those of you that look forward to reading new posts from me.
On a positive note: I am currently working on not 1 but 2 new posts. No promises that they will be ready today, but it is possible: I'm in a writing mood & the house is clean, kids are behaving and hubs is out fishing with his son. *Here I go*
Don't think for one moment that by writing this blog I am having problems with my marriage. We are good, still coping with what happened a year ago but as I've said before, this blog has been an outlet for my emotions & so this is simply me getting out something I'm bottling up inside.
A year has past and yet I still think of D. Almost everyday something reminds me of him. It's usually a song on the radio but it could also be something I see in the news, or on a tv show, or even something someone says. I don't talk about it with anyone, for reasons of embarrassment, guilt, and merely b/c I don't want to hear " You shouldn't be thinking of him!". As much as I hate to say it, Unless you've walked in my shoes or down a path similar to mine you have no right to degrade me for how I feel.
You are probably thinking that sit around thinking about the good times we shared.That is normally what people do when they think about a person they care about, but it's quite the opposite actually. I picture him shoving a needle in his arm or 'geeking' around the house while high on meth, or yelling at his mom for not calling her dealer to hook him up with another score or even yelling at me for not getting out of bed to drive him to meet his dealer to pick up his next high. I think of all the bad things I experienced when I was with him. I think about how crazy I was for putting myself through that situation for as long as I did. If any friend of mine would have told me she was living the lifestyle I had lived I would have been appalled. I would have wondered what was so wrong with this girl to think she didn't deserve any better, I would say she is stupid, crazy even for being in a relationship with a drug addict when she herself doesn't do drugs. I would also have do reconsider the idea that she doesn't do drugs. Besides, how can someone that doesn't do drugs honestly love and care for someone that does, and why would a person that doesn't do drugs want to live around people that do?? It makes no sense, to me, a person that did these exact things.
When I left D, I cried. My heart literally hurt. I felt I was a failure. From the moment I learned of his addictions I vowed to help him get away, to help him get clean. I felt I was good for him when in fact, I was wrong for him in all the ways I was good for him. I was strong & yet I was weak. Instead of helping him, I enabled him. I told him I wasn't like everyone else that had come and gone, I told him I would be there for him REGARDLESS and I told him I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.Even to this day I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently to help him.
MUSIC is my anti-drug. When I feel happy, I turn up the radio and dance around the house & sing as loud as I can & when I am depressed I always am able to find a song that says exactly what I feel, except when it comes to D. Until this past week I had not found any music that I feel relates to my feelings about him. This particular song I've had on my ipod for a long time and never listened to it. It's from the album "All I've Ever Wanted" by KELLY CLARKSON & it's called 'SAVE YOU'. - Every single word, from begining to the end is as if it came from me. I was sitting at my desk at work, with my ipod on shuffle when it came on. With the first few sentences I had goose bumps & I just knew this was going to be hard to listen to, but I wanted to hear it. I can't help but to cry when I listen to it but it gives me hope that someone out there knows exactly how I am feeling and knowing I am not alone makes it easier.
A good friend of mine asked me the other day about this song & what I was talking about when I hinted to writing about it on my facebook page. She is always able to help me understand why I feel certain ways. I don't feel like she judges me but yet she is brutally honest with me & I love her for that. As much as I want to save D, you must know & understand; I do not want to save him so that I can go run off with him. I want to save him b/c I care about him and want him to be happy & healthy. He is someone I've known since I was 16 years old, the young D I met was not a drug addict, and it is that young boy that I see in him that needs help.
THE WAY I SEE IT - I need to learn to accept the fact that I can not Save anyone, especially a drug addict. There is only two things that will end his suffering, & that is GOD or Death..
So, of course I am going to share my song with you. In case you dont feel like actually listening to the song, I will simply post the lyrics - besides, that is the important part anyhow.
