One Day Away

As Jamie and I discuss the days I spent in Empire I have come to realize I was living each day with the possibility of being one day away from being homeless, one day away from getting pulled over with someone in my car that had drugs on them, one day away from the cops searching the apartment to find all D's drug paraphernalia, one day away from being in a physically abusive relationship, one day away from becoming a drug addict, one day away from loosing my jeep, one day away from loosing everything that kept me grounded.

I was standing on the edge of a cliff, holding my arms out to keep my balance. I was so weak and broken down mentally that all it would have took was one small wind gust to push me over the edge, into the deepest, darkest and most evil place anyone can imagine. I was one day away from going to Hell. Why do I say this? Well, I was living the lifestyle and making bad choices. I was choosing to be in this situation and I was accepting of everything that came with it. I was so depressed I wanted my life to end. Had I ended my life this way I was surely going to Hell.

Easter Sunday (April 24th, 2011) was also my 7 year wedding anniversary with my husband. We started our day at church, with our family. As the pastor started preaching his sermon I said to myself "today shouldn't be a message about me, there shouldn't be any reason for me to cry", boy was I wrong. As always, his message spoke directly to my heart. The message was about "Different as Night & Day". This was exactly what Jamie and I had been discussing the day before.

One day I was one day away from divorce, loosing custody of my children, loosing my only way of transportation, loosing my strength to carry on, I was one day away from dieing and going straight to hell. I didn't have it all together, but I also thought I was in control. That was my mistake. I forgot everything I knew about God. My life was already planned out before I was ever born. God was in control. I prayed for God to help me see the light and to help me get out of my situation. One night I was one day away from never being able to go back and the next day I was out of the darkness and back into the light. The darkness disappeared and the light began to shine down on me and what I was suppose to do to get my life back. I wanted my life back and I was willing to do whatever it took. One night, I thought I was done, my life was over, there was no going back and the next day God reinstated me to where I was suppose to be. I AM DIFFERENT AS NIGHT & DAY.

Men may let you down but Christ will never let you down. He was there the entire time, right by my side. I know now that the reason I didn't loose it all, the reason I was spared from the darkness is because I am a child of God. This was him testing me, and no matter who believes it or not, I know I passed the test. I may have made many many mistakes, many many bad choices but I made the most important one of all. I choose to get my life back.

Just in case you are reading this and some of what I have said sounds familiar, its because this blog came to mind when I was sitting in church on Easter Sunday. Many of the statements made by my pastor I felt they were directed toward me about my situation so I jotted them down in my little book and put them all together. So I give a big thank you to my pastor. My husband, my pastor, my blogging and my God are helping me through this with a better understanding of everything that has happened.

By the way.. .. .. Thanks for reading my blogs, whoever you are :)

REJECTION-Poem

One night while feeling all alone and depressed I started writing and didn't stop until I noticed what I had written was a poem. After doing some editing I ended up with this........

The pain I feel is certainly real.
The life you promised was a lie.
My expectations were set too high.
No one to blame, only feeling shame.
I can't turn back, the past is set.
Nothing left but regret.
All my love I gave to you.
Only to be made a fool.
Your still a boy with a piece of my heart.
Im leaving you to find a new start.
Im broke inside, that part I cant hide.
Loving you was always true but
too many nights I feel lonely and blue.
NO MORE, IM DONE, disconnected
NO MORE PAIN FROM YOUR REJECTION.

Tiffany Cochran 12/20/2010

Seeing the big picture

My relationship with D was the complete opposite of my relationship with my husband. I called it Karma getting me back. As you read this blog you will see what I mean.

D would say "I dont like that musy gushy stuff", or he would say "quit wollering all over me", or "I just want to be left alone", or "Dont touch me" when it came to doing anything that was remotely close to being affectionate. I wasnt allowed to hold his hand except for while driving in the car and sometimes he would complain about doing it even then. I wasn't allowed to touch him when we were laying in bed to go to sleep. As a matter of fact, most nights he slept on top of the covers while I slept under them just because he couldnt stand to feel me touching him. He didn't like kissing at all, maybe a peck every now and then but he said the mouth is the most dirtiest part of the body (whatever right!) so all in all, He was a jerk that made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him when actually he wasnt good enough for me. I always felt he just wasn't attracted to me, and therefore I felt he was only with me because of my car and money. Many nights I would fall asleep crying because I missed my life with my husband. I felt like I was getting my payback for leaving my husband. "KARMA". All the things D didn't want to do with me I had been the same way with my husband.

I took for granted all the times my husband would randomly walk up behind me and put his arms around me while he kissed the back of my neck, or how he would hold me tightly during the night while we slept, or how he loved to sit with me and hold my hand while watching tv, or even how he would go and do things with me outside of family time. My husband and I didn't go out very much together, we actually spent more time hanging out with our friends or just doing things by ourselves. I missed my husband more and more as the time passed. My husband wanted me in the same ways I wanted D, I finally was able to see the pain he must have felt and it made me feel like a terrible person. How could I say I loved him and yet treat him this way? How could d truely love me and treat me this way?

It was a huge eye opener to how much I had been hurting my husband and it gave me the chance to see how I made him feel on a daily basis. This is one of the main things that has made our relationship stronger.
I have to make up for lost time. I have to prove to my husband everyday that I am with him because I love him and I want him. He thinks I am only with him because of his money and the stability that comes with being in a relationship with him. He thinks he is my second choice to any other guy. He thinks he has everything I need but that he just isn't what I want.  Well, he is wrong. I love Jamie with all my heart and soul. He is my soul mate and I made a huge mistake. I made many mistakes during the course of our marriage and I am not proud of anything I've done that has caused him pain. I need him to know, in his heart, that he is my #1 from now on and I am back with him because I want to be with my soul mate, the love of my life, the father of my kids, the most amazingly wonderful man on earth (to me that is) My Husband.

Lifestyle of an Addict

Get ready, this is a long one, but its an important piece of the puzzle of my lifestyle living with D.


After acceptance of who D really was, a drug addict, it wasn't long before his friends and family members became comfortable using drugs around me.  I was somewhat curious about the drugs so I would stay in the room unless they asked me to leave. I found myself mesmerized by how many different drugs one person would do in the same day. Living there I learned pretty much everything there is to know about the lifestyle of a drug addict. The one thing that stands out in my mind is they Live to get high. Their day begins and ends with them chasing a high that I believe they will never find. Many of them told me all it took was just one time of trying meth for them to get hooked, and yet they all begged me daily to try it "just one time".  Meth wasn't the only drug I became familiar with. They had a routine and it wasn't long before I knew what they were going to want to do before they said anything about it.

His mother had a routine that she followed at the first of the month after getting her disability check. She would pay for gas in my jeep for me to take her around to pay the power and water bill, go pick up her HIV meds, and go to the dollar store to buy items for the house. Also, received $300 in food stamps so I would take her to get groceries but she would only spend half or a  little more on groceries then go exchange the rest of her food stamps for drugs. The drug dealers would get her card & pin number, go to the grocery store then return it to her with her drugs. If she wanted $50 in drugs then they would buy $100 of groceries. This was a monthly thing that I observed not only from D's mother but from several other people.

For D, his routine was every week beginning on Friday.  Friday was payday, and that always made me dread the weekend. First of all D was suppose to give his mother money for the bills and help buy groceries for the house. Also he promised to help me pay my jeep payment and insurance since I was taking him back and forth to work. He never did this. The most he did was give his mom $25 or $40 to keep her from yelling and arguing with him He would buy food for himself from walmart's deli or a $5 dollar pizza, oh yeah one time he bought about $30 in groceries, but he complained about having to do it. Lastly, he would put a few dollars of gas in my jeep but it was never more than just enough to get him back and forth to work.

So, on Friday after picking him, his dad and his uncle up from work the first thing they all wanted to do is go was to the beer store. After getting home he would eat supper then he would ask me to take him down the road to a friends house aka "the camp". It didn't take me but just one time to figure out this "friend" was a drug dealer. There were five men that he would go to regularly, aside from getting random items from real friends or other family members. One of his regular (ice aka meth) drug dealers just happened to be one of his cousins. He would get his drugs, go back to the apartment and hide in our room or the bathroom to do them. After about a month of being there he was more comfortable with me being there and he would do his drugs in front of me both smoking the meth and shooting it up his veins. I hated the thought that someone would be so addicted to a drug they would put needles in their veins. I was sad for him, he didn't like that he had to do this but he had been a meth addict for so long that smoking it didn't really get him high anymore. He would go through a gram or more in one night.

Most times he would get finished and ask me to take him back to get more, or he would call up someone else to get something different. There were many nights we were awake till 1 or 2 a.m. because he had gotten high and was what they call "geeking", its where he would always say he was looking for something but he never would find it. He would pull the couch apart, or pull everything out of the closet, he would raise up the carpet to look under it, and many many times he would think he dropped something in my jeep so i would have to let him go "geeking" through my jeep. I hated this and often I would get very angry with him because I would have to get up and go to work the next morning where he could stay up for days with little or no sleep. It was very unfair, yet I continued to put up with it.

Every week D would be broke by Sunday night or Monday at the latest so when I would get my paycheck every other Tuesday, he would ask to borrow money and promise to pay it back on Friday. If I said no we would fight, not physically but verbally and it was always more intense than my husband and I ever fought. D would cuss me, call me names and even threaten to hit me. He never did hit me but I was always scared he would so therefore I always gave in to what he wanted. Once one of his family members told me hat he said he didn't care about me that he was only using me for my car and money.

I know your probably wondering why in the world did I agree to do this, why did I continue to live in these conditions. I was afraid to be alone. I knew I couldn't go back home because I had already begged Jamie to take me back and he said no. Jamie had a girlfriend that made him happy, she treated him better than I had and so he had no reason to take me back. I felt stuck. I had the opportunity to go stay with my father but I had a really good reason for not staying there. I also had my brother's house but they have helped out people in the past and all it did was put a strain on their family.

In other words, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I felt as if I sort of deserved to put up with this lifestyle. I did this to myself therefore I had to get myself out of this situation. Little did I know but I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression and eventually I began feeling hopeless and I started having suicidal thoughts.

I didn't understand why I was going through this. I have always said I believe everything in life happens for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes, and if God brings you to it, he will get you through it.

Divine vs. Human

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and/or divine forgiveness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness


I have avoided church since leaving my husband. I knew God would have something to tell me that I didn't want to hear. Some call it your conscious speaking to you but I know the difference. I knew the moment I stepped one foot inside my church I would feel it, therefore I avoided church.  "Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed." (John 3:20)

As a family of four, my husband, our kids, and I went to church this past Sunday. From the moment I sat down in the phew till the moment the preacher said we were dismissed, I CRIED. At some points it was more than crying, I was sobbing, weeping, crying out to God begging for forgiveness. My thoughts before going into church on this day was thinking about forgiveness, and weither or not God would forgive me for what I did. Would I still be able to go to heaven? Was I worthy of forgiveness? As always,  the preacher began his sermon and as he spoke GOD spoke to me through him.

 I was saved at age 11 & baptised as well. Every since that day I have known and believed that Christ died on that cross for my sins and has lived inside my heart. Even though I am saved it doesn't mean I will not make mistakes. You always hear the pastor say "Jesus Died On The Cross for Our Sins", it wasn't untill this day in church that I finally understood what that phrase ment. The very sin I commited is already forgiven simply because of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. 

"Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery" (John 8:4)
"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7)
Jesus asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?", No one sir, "Then neither do I condemn you." "Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:10-11)

If God forgives Adulterist, Rapest, Murderers, Thieves, and even those that crucified Jesus then surely I am worthy of forgiveness as well. So if I have Devine Forgiveness then what about Human forgiveness? Humans don't forgive as easily as God. As a matter of fact, When people are hurt they like to point fingers,  hold grudges and retaliate. My pastor made a statement that is very true, " If we dismiss everyone that hurts us eventually we will end up alone".

I know I've learned my life's lesson from my actions and I vow to never hurt my family again. I pray daily that everyone affected by my actions between the months of October and February are able to find forgiveness in their hearts.

You do you, and I will do me.

I use to say I am thankfull for the life I have lived because I wouldn't be the person I am today had I grew up any differently but now I am starting to think it has made me a bitter person. Going to thereapy has brought up alot of suppressed emotional events and even made me rethink my personality and why I react with certain situations in ways that are self destructive.

People are different because God made us this way. People are not suppose to agree on everything and its ok that you may not understand why someone thinks a certain way or does something a certain way. Unless you have walked in their shoes you should never say how you would or would not act in their circumstances.

So, why do people get mad when you don't agree with their way of thinking? Why should I change my views based upon your opinion? Am I not an individual with my own thoughts, my own opinions and my own right to act upon them as I see need be?

I am going to continue to be myself, that's all anyone should expect.

part two - who am i

I wonder if everyone thinks of themselves as being a good person? Do murderers in prison sit around thinking they are good citizans and should be released back into society? Do child abuisers think they are wonderfull parents? If you could step outside your body, mentally i guess, and get a look at yourself from other people's view would your perception of yourself change?

I have contemplated this very thought.  I like to think of myself as a good, caring, compastionate, Self-less person. Sure I have made mistakes I am not proud of, but does that make me a bad person? I think not. I have many good deeds that I do regulary, do they go un-noticed? When we have extra money I spend it first,  on my kids, or my husband, or even house-hold items, but very rarely on myself.  I give all my childrens outgrown clothing away to either other family members or to complete strangers. I donate toys and house-hold items to the Foundry, I give money or food to the homeless man that sits at the stop sign off Allison Bonnett Memorial drive exit, I watch other people's kids even when I really truely dont feel like doing it just because I know they need someone to do it, I offer to help people in areas I know they need it, I bite my tounge at certain people just to keep the peace, but yet I have been called selfish, & self-centered by several different people very recently.

How did I fall into that catagory? Do other people really perceive me as being a bad person? How could I possibly see myself as a good, caring person when so many people see me differently? 

I want to be a better person, a better mother, & a better wife. It hurts to hear how horrible people think I am, especially coming from specifically two people close to me, one I love very much and the other I have much respect for. I guess with this one all I can do is PRAY and ask God to show me the areas to improve on and start from there.

Who Am i

I have been seeing a psycologist each week since getting out of the hospital. She is a wonderful lady, I really enjoy talking to her. She listens to what I say, never judging me, and gives me answers to questions that I never knew I needed to know.

I feel like I have two opposite personalities; good & bad. I wonder, do most people have a good side, and a bad side? With my "good" personality; I have always been overly concerned with the way other people view me. I dont like confrontations, and I am a very emotional person. If I see someone else crying, more than likely I will tear up as well. I love God and enjoy going to church every Sunday & Wednesday, I enjoy helping people in need, that is IF I can. I enjoy spending quality time with my children and family. I tend to be happier and more outgoing. On the other side, I can be controlling, irritable, and I get frustrated when things dont go according to plans. I want to get away from everyone and just go hang out with my friends, I constantly look for babysitters for my kids so I can go out,  I like tattoos (have talked about getting one), and I like piercings (I had my lip pierced not too long ago), I dont see anything wrong with having a drink of alcohol, I even smoked cigarettes twice in my past. I enjoy going to bars to sing karaoke and as much as I hate to admit this one....I enjoy going to strip clubs, my best friend is an ex-stripper & I love how she dances, I see nothing wrong with being a stripper, HECK, if I had a good body I'd be one, they make alot of money! - - ok, a little off my point I am trying to make........

 I have come to accept being bipolar, however I am trying to figure out where does my bipolar disorder end and my true personality begin? Am I by Gods choice a good person, or a bad person? Can I be both?  This is a werid thought but it is really becoming heavy on my mind and in my heart.  My wonderful husband has always said that I seem to conform to the people I am around at any given moment. So on Sunday I am a goody too shoes, but then on friday I am a party animal. Not nessisarly every week, not so much that distintive but I can see what he means. Its almost as if I mimic the personality of the people I am speaking with or hanging out with. 

If I changed my surroundings would that "bad side" go away or would it still be there because it is part of my overall personality, or is the bad stuff I enjoy just part of a manic episode due to my bipolar disorder?

All things being said, This is me, I am who I am. I firmly believe that GOD accepts us all as long as we have a good caring heart. I have been saved, and baptised and I believe I am going to heaven when I die. Just maybe in time I will find the answers to all my questions.