Self Mutilation -

This blog post is going to be really hard for me to publish. I have been hiding a secret for the past three years. Just like with my other bipolar blog posts, I think writing about this will help me feel better. It is so exhausting keeping secrets. My biggest fear is that people are going to judge me negatively, or some one will be so closed minded and they will think I am a danger to myself or my kids, which is no where near the truth.

 I've stated before that I had a pretty crappy childhood. For whatever reasons, there were times that I can remember taking a sowing needle and using the sharp tip to carve words into my skin. I remember doing it once on my upper thigh when I was about 10yrs old. Another time I was carving the initials of my crush onto the top of my hand. I do not remember what was going through my mind as I did this but it wasn't until recently that I remembered doing that as a kid. The reason is because recently I have started doing what they call "self harm" or "cutting" or the professional term is "Self Mutilation".   I am new to the idea of me being a self mutilator. I do not self mutilate with the degree that you see on tv. When I 'cut' myself I don't even go deep enough for it to ooze blood; however, it will make a red welp that turns into a deep scratch that is visible for a few weeks.I always use the same location, my left wrist.

 I tell my husband that it isn't a big deal but he says I am in denial. My husband and my dear sweet cousin, whom is like a sister to me, they are the only people that know what I do to myself, until now that is. I didn't want to, I had to. He found the item I had been using and was thinking it looked like something a drug addict would have around, insinuating I was using drugs. That scared me, momentarily I thought "Would it be better for him to think I may be using drugs rather than cutting my wrists?" I chose the truth. Not because I wanted to, but because the "old" me would have lied right on the spot. I didn't want to get caught and things blow up to be a bigger deal than they were, simply because I would have lied.

As anyone would imagine, he freaked out. He was saying "you are a danger to yourself, and our children", which is totally untrue. My kids would never know what I do unless he or someone else told them, which would be ridiculous considering they wouldn't understand and it would worry them for no reason.

I was trying to make my husband understand 'why' i do this but I have honestly never put much thought into it. I believe I do it "To attain that feeling of control that always seems to allude us." - For me, I cut when I am emotionally overwhelmed with either sadness, or sometimes when I am numb. These extreme emotions usually only happen during my bipolar manic phase. It helps me to feel in control of my emotions. If I am numb, it allows me to feel something. If I am crying uncontrollably, it gives my mind a new emotion to feel, Pain, so I can forget the thing making me sad.  I honestly see it as a good coping skill.

I know this is the first blog I have written in almost a year, so it's a lot to take in, so I will end it here, with this...

The way I see it, everyone deals with life in their own ways. We all have different coping skills. We all have different struggles. So lets try to be a little more compassionate when learning something like this about your friends. Until you have experienced the same trials and struggles, unless you can see inside their mind to know what they are hiding, what they are thinking, what they are going through, you should not pass negative judgement. Be supportive. Be an ear to listen. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be whatever your friend needs, not what they don't need, and that's another person telling them they are a screw up.  Life is all about trial & error. We only learn from the mistakes we make, not by hearing the opinions of others.

let go & walk away

Everyone has something they hold on to....a habit they can't stop......a feeling they don't want to feel.....a person they need to let go of.

In one hand, it gives you pleasure; In the other hand, it brings you pain. Something always brings you back to it....like gravity....like a magnet....You can't stop the uncontrollable force. Inside your screaming, begging, pleading, no more!  It hurts but you can't let go....can't stop your own suffering. It's an addiction, without a cure. You keep going right back to the one thing you need to walk away from. You think you are strong enough to just give it up.....you're just not ready yet. It has a hold on you, without touching you. You don't realize how fragile you are.....vulnerable....unable to break the chains keeping you tied down. You tell yourself you are done, at the end of each day, deciding you have had enough. Like clock work, the new day begins with the craving.....for that one thing. It's all you can think about, until you succumb to it and you give in. One more day won't hurt anything but in fact it is another day you are torturing yourself. Another day of wasted time you can't get back. You know the outcome is always going to be the same....but maybe you think that in time, it will get better...easier....or things will change.  It's never easy......even when it's something you want.

I wish I had never opened myself up to this addiction.