I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like, And right now it's a steel knife in my, windpipe. I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight. High off of love, drunk from my hate. It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, he resuscitates me. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away. He says "Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk. I told you this is my fault. Look me in the eyeball." Next time. There won't be no next time. HE apologizes even though I know its lies. I'm tired of the games I just want him back. I know he's a liar. He's Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. But that's alright because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, But that's alright because I love the way you lie.I love the way you lie.
These lyrics to the song "love the way you lie" were how I felt in my relationship with D. Even though I felt used and I knew he was a liar, I had so much love for him that I couldn't walk away. I remember the day he got out of jail like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful day so I was able to dress up a little, I did my hair and makeup. I felt so pretty and I hoped he thought so too. I had been visiting him every wednesday since he got put in jail but it was always through a thick plate of glass using a payphone to talk. I was actully going to be able to hug him and hold his hand, we were going to be able to show the world we were a happy couple. In the back of my mind I thought about my husband and how wrong it was to be with another man, but the bigger part of my brain didnt care because I felt happier than I had been in a long time. I felt on top of the world, as if nothing could bring me down. D was the only thing that brought me down. In only 5 days he showed me how things were going to be. Day 5 of D being home is more memoriable than the day he got out of jail because this was the day D broke my heart worse than anyone ever has.
I had worked that day, and so did he. He was a laborer to a roofing company there in Empire. He was very good and very fast. He had high hopes of learning the trade to become an actual roofer someday and I believe the potential is there if he wants it. So, we were both tired and didnt feel like going anywhere but when his dad offered me money to go to the liquer store I accepted. D was going to go with me so we could spend time together. We rode over to his cousins house to see if anyone there needed anything while I was going to be in town. Just so happen his aunt wanted to ride to get her some liquer too. When we went to leave one of D's cousins came out and said he was coming to the apartment. This cousin was known to sell drugs so when david told me to take him home he wanted to lay down and go to sleep I knew it was a lie. I questioned his true motives and he got extremely angry toward me. I felt bad and so I took him to the apartment. His aunt forgot her purse so I took her back to her house then I had this feeling in my gut that David was just trying to get me to leave so he could do drugs. I went back to the apartment and his dad came running and jumped on the couch (i saw this thru the window) so I knew something was up. I slung the door open and walked five steps forward till I could see into our bedroom and there he was, smoking meth on a piece of aluminum foil, My mouth dropped to the floor and my eyes widened at him in shock. He simply looks up at me and says "WHAT?" As if what he was doing shouldnt bother me, as if he was doing nothing wrong! Did he not care what I thought? He obviously cared more about getting high than about hurting me. My heart sunk into my stomache, I felt nauseated, dizzy, and as if I was going to have a panic attack. I think I did have a panic attack. I turned to leave, slamming the door behind me so he would know I was upset. I took his aunt to the store and she tried to calm me down but nothing she said made me feel any better. "You need to understand he is an addict, he will always be an addict", this hurt deeply because I didn't understand what it was like for him. I had never done drugs before and I never grew up around anyone that was an addict. I was mortified. I left my kids and a good life for THIS? HE LIED TO ME. HE PROMISED not to go back to that lifestyle!
When I got back D was gone. I sat on the bed crying, struggeling to breathe. I told him I would leave if he went back to the drugs and so if I didnt leave now he would think he could run over me. I should leave right now while he is gone, but I didnt want to give up this soon, I didnt expect this to happen. Should I give him another chance, should I be more understanding of his addiction. She was right, I couldnt possibly know what it feels like to crave something so badly that It would make me risk loosing everything I care about. I had to talk to him, I needed to know what was going through his mind. Why did he promise me all these wonderful things in the letter and throw it all out the door in only 5 days. So I stayed, I talked to him. He felt bad for what he was doing but he explained he wanted to get clean and be a good man for me but he needed time. I decided that as long as he was honest with me about doing the drugs and as long as he tried to do right I would be understanding but that if he lied to me about anything I would leave and never look back. I was risking so much to be with him. Was he really that great? NO, looking back I can honestly say he wasn't worth giving up my life with my husband and my kids or ruining my clean jail record.
At the time of being with him all I thought about was giving up on him would make me just like everyone else in his life. No one cared if he lived or died. I felt this is why he had his addictions, so he could escape the reality of his life. So if I stayed and showed him that there is a reason to live maybe he would want to change. I couldn't be like everyone else, I had to stay and take care of him. I had to stay and make sure he survived. I had to show him I loved him for who he was inside his heart. I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I was the best thing for him, I was a "good girl". I didn't do drugs, I had a job, I had a car, and I loved him. He needed me to stay, he needed someone that cared, he needed me to not give up on him. So I stayed.
I accepted that my boyfriend was a drug addict. I had hope and I believed that in time he would change his ways. I knew he would want to be better, if not for anyone else but for me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I am GULLIBLE. . .
We aren't just by accident a species gullible enough to believe what mass-campaigns of organized deception feed us; we were truly born hungry for sweet illusions and delusions.
I am the type of person that always says things in a way that makes everyone laugh. I am always considered a little air headed. Mainly this is because I grew up sheltered from most real life situations. I knew about hard times, and I was aware that there were good and bad people in our world. However, I was not raised around drugs and bad people. My father worked alot and my step mother took care of me while he was away. I grew up very poor so I never got to go to the city. Unlike most teenagers, I didn't have the opportunity to go out with friends to party. I didnt have a license or a car untill I was 19 years old and even then I stayed out of the major party scenes of clubs. I knew drugs exsisted, but the most I knew of them I saw on television. I was told that my mother left me as a baby because of her drug addictions. I grew up without my mother in my life because of this. I always wondered what could be so great about that lifestyle to make her give up all three of her children for it. I believe this is the reason I stayed in Empire for as long as I did.
I didn't realize the type of situation I had put myself in. I was not completely aware of the lifestyle I was going to be around. When I first moved into D's bedroom, I was working a seven day a week job that had me working from 8:00 a.m. till 2:00 a.m., therefore for the first three weeks of living in Empire I wasn't really aquainted with his mother or anyone that lived in that area. I knew she had HIV, and was addicted to pain meds but as far as any major drugs I was unaware of her doing any. After I realized I was working myself to death for less than minimum wage (when calculating my hours vs. my actual paycheck) I decided to quit working for Kirby and look for a more reasonable job around Empire. I was out of work for about 2 weeks and it was at this time that the world I was living in became a world I never knew exsisted.
I met several of D's close family members and some of his friends. I learned that he was a major drug addict, as well as all his family members. This situation made me feel numb. I left a wonderful stable life to join the lifestyle of drug addicts. Even though this sounds crazy, D wrote me a letter while he was in jail and he told me of how he wanted to get away from there. He promised to stay off drugs and said he had a job waiting for him when he got out of jail. This made me happy and I believed every word of it. I felt that if he still thought about me all these years, while I thought about him that this was our chance to be together and to be happy. I could help him get away from this lifestyle and he would help me get on my feet. This still seemed like it would work out to be ok. It wasn't long after he got out of jail that I realized everything he told me was a lie and I was being used for everything they could get from me.
I feel bad for this entire family. This drug filled lifestyle is all they have ever known. His aunts, uncle's, cousins, parents, EVERYONE is addicted to drugs. Some have small children that live around this and it bothers me knowing that its a cycle of drug addiction that is never going to stop. I wish there was something I could do to help them but after living with them for four months I realized there was nothing I could do. This is a painfull feeling of hopelessness that I feel even today.
I am the type of person that always says things in a way that makes everyone laugh. I am always considered a little air headed. Mainly this is because I grew up sheltered from most real life situations. I knew about hard times, and I was aware that there were good and bad people in our world. However, I was not raised around drugs and bad people. My father worked alot and my step mother took care of me while he was away. I grew up very poor so I never got to go to the city. Unlike most teenagers, I didn't have the opportunity to go out with friends to party. I didnt have a license or a car untill I was 19 years old and even then I stayed out of the major party scenes of clubs. I knew drugs exsisted, but the most I knew of them I saw on television. I was told that my mother left me as a baby because of her drug addictions. I grew up without my mother in my life because of this. I always wondered what could be so great about that lifestyle to make her give up all three of her children for it. I believe this is the reason I stayed in Empire for as long as I did.
I didn't realize the type of situation I had put myself in. I was not completely aware of the lifestyle I was going to be around. When I first moved into D's bedroom, I was working a seven day a week job that had me working from 8:00 a.m. till 2:00 a.m., therefore for the first three weeks of living in Empire I wasn't really aquainted with his mother or anyone that lived in that area. I knew she had HIV, and was addicted to pain meds but as far as any major drugs I was unaware of her doing any. After I realized I was working myself to death for less than minimum wage (when calculating my hours vs. my actual paycheck) I decided to quit working for Kirby and look for a more reasonable job around Empire. I was out of work for about 2 weeks and it was at this time that the world I was living in became a world I never knew exsisted.
I met several of D's close family members and some of his friends. I learned that he was a major drug addict, as well as all his family members. This situation made me feel numb. I left a wonderful stable life to join the lifestyle of drug addicts. Even though this sounds crazy, D wrote me a letter while he was in jail and he told me of how he wanted to get away from there. He promised to stay off drugs and said he had a job waiting for him when he got out of jail. This made me happy and I believed every word of it. I felt that if he still thought about me all these years, while I thought about him that this was our chance to be together and to be happy. I could help him get away from this lifestyle and he would help me get on my feet. This still seemed like it would work out to be ok. It wasn't long after he got out of jail that I realized everything he told me was a lie and I was being used for everything they could get from me.
I feel bad for this entire family. This drug filled lifestyle is all they have ever known. His aunts, uncle's, cousins, parents, EVERYONE is addicted to drugs. Some have small children that live around this and it bothers me knowing that its a cycle of drug addiction that is never going to stop. I wish there was something I could do to help them but after living with them for four months I realized there was nothing I could do. This is a painfull feeling of hopelessness that I feel even today.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What if . . .
Everyone has that one person that they often wonder "what might have been" if things were different. For me, I had two people that I often day-dreamed about. My first true love T, and my high school sweetheart D. I moved away from both relationships, and I often contemplated "what might have been" if I had stayed and continued them. I would tell myself I would have been happier because the love I had for them was not sporatic, or forced, it was there continuously and with both relationships I never fought with either of them. In my mind, if I had a chance to go back and choose to stay with either of them my life would have been perfect, as if it wasn't already as perfect as could be.
They say every marriage is going to have its ups and downs, you and your spouse are going to have fights, and life isn't always a bed of roses. For me, my life, my marriage and everything about it seemed boring. I lived everyday for the same thing. Nothing ever seemed exciting. I had a routine, I took care of my kids, I kept the house clean, I cooked, and I took care of my husbands needs. I had friends but never had time to spend with them, or I just didnt want to be around anyone. My husband and I had things we enjoyed doing together but after all the fighting and argueing my desire to spend time with him vanished. Everything about him annoyed me. I was feeling depressed and I had no desire to do anything that I once enjoyed. I wanted to disappear. I often thought about what would happen if I were to fall asleep and not wake up. I thought this option would be easier than trying to disappear. I could never hurt myself, as in committ suicide. The more I thought about disappearing the more the idea sounded like a plan instead of a thought.
All it took was one email from a friend telling me she knew where D was and that he was asking about me, to get my mind racing. Could this really be happening? This must be a sign of what might have been was really ment to be. I decided to go see her, but that turned into seeing him. Once I saw him all my old feelings came back and a light bulb went off in my head. If I still loved him and wanted to be with him then I should leave my husband before I end up cheating on him. After hours of talking to D I made up my mind and made a plan. I was going take on a new life with him. I would leave my girls with my husband till I could get stable, of course he would agree because he wouldn't want to loose them. Once I found a place to stay I would fight for custoday of my girls. All i had to do was find a job, which i did. So I was ready, my plan was made and all that was left is choosing to tell my husband what I was thinking. How could I tell this man i've been with for 6 years, the father of my children that I was leaving him for my highschool sweetheart, someone I havnt seen or spoken to in 10 years! I couldn't tell him, it would destroy him. I had to pick a fight, make it a good one, and tell him I want a divorce. I would tell him to leave and if he refused, which I knew he would, I would tell him I was going to leave till we could figure things out. This had to work, it was my only chance.
I hated the thought of hurting him, but I made it all make perfect sense in my mind because we were always fighting, we both were unhappy, he just didnt understand how unhappy we truely were. We would be better off not together. Our kids would be better with parents that didnt fight in front of them. My kids would benifit from having a happy father, and a happy mother that lived apart instead of together. This was my chance to truely be happy. If I left, I would be able to stand on my own, I could make decesions for myself, I could be who I wanted to be and not what other people thought I should be. I was going to be free to make choices, good or bad, right or wrong it wouldn't matter because at least they were not being made for me. I was making the choices, and I didn't care what anyone thought.
So, 10-13-2010 I moved out, I did exactly what I set my mind to do. I moved to empire to be with D. Only one problem stood in my way. Two days before I left I received a phone call from him and it ended with the police arriving to take him to jail. He didn't show up for a court date and now had to pay the price. I was going to leave anyway. I knew he would get out eventually and it just gave me time to get a place of my own and get stable for my kids. It also allowed me to not hurt my husband because now I didnt have to tell him I was moving in with another man. I was moving in with D's mother, because supposedly she was sick and he had been staying with her to take care of her. She needed me, and I needed a place to stay. I had it all planned out.
Over the next four months everything fell apart, my world crumbled around me and I stood alone, feeling hopeless. I was fooling everyone around me into thinking I was happy, that everything was going great, or at least I thought I was. It was all a lie, one of many that I felt I had no choice but to tell. I didn't want to admit I was wrong, or that I failed at trying to be happy. I didnt want to think about the reality of my situation, So I stayed and told myself things would get better.
This was the begining of my self destructive behavior.
They say every marriage is going to have its ups and downs, you and your spouse are going to have fights, and life isn't always a bed of roses. For me, my life, my marriage and everything about it seemed boring. I lived everyday for the same thing. Nothing ever seemed exciting. I had a routine, I took care of my kids, I kept the house clean, I cooked, and I took care of my husbands needs. I had friends but never had time to spend with them, or I just didnt want to be around anyone. My husband and I had things we enjoyed doing together but after all the fighting and argueing my desire to spend time with him vanished. Everything about him annoyed me. I was feeling depressed and I had no desire to do anything that I once enjoyed. I wanted to disappear. I often thought about what would happen if I were to fall asleep and not wake up. I thought this option would be easier than trying to disappear. I could never hurt myself, as in committ suicide. The more I thought about disappearing the more the idea sounded like a plan instead of a thought.
All it took was one email from a friend telling me she knew where D was and that he was asking about me, to get my mind racing. Could this really be happening? This must be a sign of what might have been was really ment to be. I decided to go see her, but that turned into seeing him. Once I saw him all my old feelings came back and a light bulb went off in my head. If I still loved him and wanted to be with him then I should leave my husband before I end up cheating on him. After hours of talking to D I made up my mind and made a plan. I was going take on a new life with him. I would leave my girls with my husband till I could get stable, of course he would agree because he wouldn't want to loose them. Once I found a place to stay I would fight for custoday of my girls. All i had to do was find a job, which i did. So I was ready, my plan was made and all that was left is choosing to tell my husband what I was thinking. How could I tell this man i've been with for 6 years, the father of my children that I was leaving him for my highschool sweetheart, someone I havnt seen or spoken to in 10 years! I couldn't tell him, it would destroy him. I had to pick a fight, make it a good one, and tell him I want a divorce. I would tell him to leave and if he refused, which I knew he would, I would tell him I was going to leave till we could figure things out. This had to work, it was my only chance.
I hated the thought of hurting him, but I made it all make perfect sense in my mind because we were always fighting, we both were unhappy, he just didnt understand how unhappy we truely were. We would be better off not together. Our kids would be better with parents that didnt fight in front of them. My kids would benifit from having a happy father, and a happy mother that lived apart instead of together. This was my chance to truely be happy. If I left, I would be able to stand on my own, I could make decesions for myself, I could be who I wanted to be and not what other people thought I should be. I was going to be free to make choices, good or bad, right or wrong it wouldn't matter because at least they were not being made for me. I was making the choices, and I didn't care what anyone thought.
So, 10-13-2010 I moved out, I did exactly what I set my mind to do. I moved to empire to be with D. Only one problem stood in my way. Two days before I left I received a phone call from him and it ended with the police arriving to take him to jail. He didn't show up for a court date and now had to pay the price. I was going to leave anyway. I knew he would get out eventually and it just gave me time to get a place of my own and get stable for my kids. It also allowed me to not hurt my husband because now I didnt have to tell him I was moving in with another man. I was moving in with D's mother, because supposedly she was sick and he had been staying with her to take care of her. She needed me, and I needed a place to stay. I had it all planned out.
Over the next four months everything fell apart, my world crumbled around me and I stood alone, feeling hopeless. I was fooling everyone around me into thinking I was happy, that everything was going great, or at least I thought I was. It was all a lie, one of many that I felt I had no choice but to tell. I didn't want to admit I was wrong, or that I failed at trying to be happy. I didnt want to think about the reality of my situation, So I stayed and told myself things would get better.
This was the begining of my self destructive behavior.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 1 - Moving out.
It was just like any other day, with one exception, I was leaving and not coming back. My things were all packed in my jeep, as much as I could fit, and my mind was set. I was leaving my husband and my two children to begin a new life somewhere else, around new people, with a new outlook on life. I turned my back on everything I knew, everything I LOVED and everything that made me feel safe. I looked forward to this feeling of not knowing what to expect. I felt stronger than I had ever been, emotionally anyway. Nothing could stop me, not even myself. Looking in my rear view mirror, I watched my husband with tears in his eyes and my two year old daughter in his arms, waving goodbye. I thought I knew what I was doing, It felt so right, but looking back I couldn't have been more wrong.
Many people questioned my sanity. Others questioned my sobriety. What was I thinking? Was I on drugs, was I going crazy? One could ponder for hours on end why someone like me would make such selfish and self distructive choices. From the outside looking in I had the perfect life. A husband that had a wonderful job, a nice home, a new car to drive, two beautiful and smart little girls. There was no reason for me to work, my husband made more than enough money. I was a stay at home mother and wife with everything I could have ever needed provided for me and yet I left it all.
October 13th 2010 I started a new chapter in my life that has changed me as a person, changed my outlook on life and the people around me. My future has now been re-written with a new path of uncertainty.
Many people questioned my sanity. Others questioned my sobriety. What was I thinking? Was I on drugs, was I going crazy? One could ponder for hours on end why someone like me would make such selfish and self distructive choices. From the outside looking in I had the perfect life. A husband that had a wonderful job, a nice home, a new car to drive, two beautiful and smart little girls. There was no reason for me to work, my husband made more than enough money. I was a stay at home mother and wife with everything I could have ever needed provided for me and yet I left it all.
October 13th 2010 I started a new chapter in my life that has changed me as a person, changed my outlook on life and the people around me. My future has now been re-written with a new path of uncertainty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)