I am GULLIBLE. . .

We aren't just by accident a species gullible enough to believe what mass-campaigns of organized deception feed us; we were truly born hungry for sweet illusions and delusions.

I am the type of person that always says things in a way that makes everyone laugh. I am always considered a little air headed. Mainly this is because I grew up sheltered from most real life situations. I knew about hard times, and I was aware that there were good and bad people in our world. However, I was not raised around drugs and bad people. My father worked alot and my step mother took care of me while he was away. I grew up very poor so I never got to go to the city. Unlike most teenagers, I didn't have the opportunity to go out with friends to party. I didnt have a license or a car untill I was 19 years old and even then I stayed out of the major party scenes of clubs.  I knew drugs exsisted, but the most I knew of them I saw on television. I was told that my mother left me as a baby because of her drug addictions. I grew up without my mother in my life because of this. I always wondered what could be so great about that lifestyle to make her give up all three of her children for it. I believe this is the reason I stayed in Empire for as long as I did.

I didn't realize the type of situation I had put myself in. I was not completely aware of the lifestyle I was going to be around. When I first moved into D's bedroom, I was working a seven day a week job that had me working from 8:00 a.m. till 2:00 a.m., therefore for the first three weeks of living in Empire I wasn't really aquainted with his mother or anyone that lived in that area. I knew she had HIV, and was addicted to pain meds but as far as any major drugs I was unaware of her doing any. After I realized I was working myself to death for less than minimum wage (when calculating my hours vs. my actual paycheck) I decided to quit working for Kirby and look for a more reasonable job around Empire. I was out of work for about 2 weeks and it was at this time that the world I was living in became a world I never knew exsisted.

I met several of D's close family members and some of his friends. I learned that he was a major drug addict, as well as all his family members. This situation made me feel numb. I left a wonderful stable life to join the lifestyle of drug addicts. Even though this sounds crazy, D wrote me a letter while he was in jail and he told me of how he wanted to get away from there. He promised to stay off drugs and said he had a job waiting for him when he got out of jail. This made me happy and I believed every word of it. I felt that if he still thought about me all these years, while I thought about him that this was our chance to be together and to be happy. I could help him get away from this lifestyle and he would help me get on my feet. This still seemed like it would work out to be ok.  It wasn't long after he got out of jail that I realized everything he told me was a lie and I was being used for everything they could get from me.

I feel bad for this entire family. This drug filled lifestyle is all they have ever known. His aunts, uncle's, cousins, parents, EVERYONE is addicted to drugs. Some have small children that live around this and it bothers me knowing that its a cycle of drug addiction that is never going to stop. I wish there was something I could do to help them but after living with them for four months I realized there was nothing I could do. This is a painfull feeling of hopelessness that I feel even today.