Where am " I " at on my list of important things

I've blogged about so many things in my life, but I can't recall if I have blogged about my weight.

I have always felt overweight, even as a little girl, though looking back at old photos I know now, I was not overweight as a kid. I have no idea where that mentality came from. Everyone around me was average size. My teen years is when my self esteem and body image started to take a toll on me. I remember that whatever age I was, that number just also happened to be my jean size.  I lost some weight during the summer of my 16th birthday while  living with my mom in Greenville, North Carolina at the Red Roof Inn. This just happened to be where my step-dad's job was stationing them at. I was able to get fit by staying out by the pool from the time it opened till they came to make me leave & by living off microwaved meals. So, at 17 years old I was comfortable with my body. Over the next few years I moved out on my own and dealt with life's stress by eating, so I gained weight again.

In 2003, I had started to get back control of my weight. I had just ended a two year relationship & so I wanted to feel confident putting myself back out in the dating scene. I was a size 16 when I met my hubs & I became pregnant. Even though I gained 25lbs with my first daughter, I lost all of the weight but 5lbs after she was born. In the next year, while being a sahm, i gained back all my 'baby weight' plus 5lbs. I was now teetering around the 200lb mark. This made me disgusted with myself. For the next two year I managed to loose 5lbs, then found out I was pregnant (after trying to conceive for months). So, again dieting would have to wait. This time I gained 19lbs with my second child & unfortunately after a traumatic birth, 4 weeks later a hysterectomy, then my hubs got laid off from work & i had postpartum depression; I didn't loose any of the weight but in fact during the entire year of 2008 I gained an additional 23lbs. This put me at my heaviest weight of 237lbs. I was mortified that I let myself get this unhealthy, this fat, this large & I was ready to do something about it.

I became obsessed with going to the gym and finally after talking to my obgyn about being depressed b/c of my weight, he agreed to give me one months worth of adipex. I took the advice from my co-worker and split the pill in half allowing me to stretch it out for two months. During the following 7 months I lost the 23lbs. After this weight loss is when I was separated from my hubs for four months. During our separation I lost down to 191lbs b/c I had little access to food (see previous blogs). In Feb 2011, I was now back to the weight I was before I got pregnant with my youngest daughter. I was so happy & planned on keeping it up with eating right and exercising.  *FAIL*

After being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder the doctors placed me on three different medicines that caused me to sleep ALL THE DAMN TIME! (see previous blogs) Ultimately, Since FEB 2011 I've gained 55lbs from sitting on my ass! Once I started gaining the weight back my "give a shit" went out the door. Not to mention that when you are addicted to chocolate like I am, it's very hard to make brownies for your kids and not want to eat one.( Loved the brownie batter too!) Brownies make a wonderful breakfast too, while your at it...have one for lunch as well! One pan of brownies wouldn't last 24hrs in my house. The same goes for chocolate chip cookies, cake, ice cream.  So here I am, sitting on my fat ass, blogging about how my ass has gotten this fat.


The way I see it..... I really should not have let it get this bad. I know I procrastinate about doing things around the house but BEING HEALTHY is not something we moms should put on the back burner.


This is not even the reason I was doing this blog, lol. Gosh, I swear I have adhd too! i guess I will get started on another blog so I can talk about joining a weight loss clinic and going to the gym with a fat ass. Let me go get started on that now ;)