Fight till you dont know what your fighting for

There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love. After all a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

When i first read this passage from a friend's page on FB i almost teared up. There is way too much fighting, arguing going on in my life and sometimes I just want to say screw it & just give up. I've always believed that anything worth having wont be easy, if it is easy it isn't worth it. So I know that all the arguing must be worth it in the end, but when is the end? How long do you keep fighting for what you love?

I've been back home almost a year now. I have been able to forgive the hubs for his wrong doings but he hasn't forgiven me, or at least his actions prove he hasn't. He says he wants to move on and keep his family together but lately he has been blowing up on me over some of the most stupidest things. The intensity of his anger is getting way out of hand as well. He has become borderline abusive. He says the most horrible things, things he never had said to me before and then wants to turn around the next day and apologize. I accept his apology because I understand he is still hurting but at some point he needs to decide if he wants to keep holding on to the pain or let go & move forward.

When I came home last year after our separation (see previous blog posts) my mother in law had several discussions with me in which she told me how she felt. She was hurt by my leaving as well and she was very angry with my decisions I had made & rightfully so. She told me about how she had heard something on Oprah about holding grudges and staying angry with people. She said that one quote helped her get over her anger with me and it was this: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" Not saying she wanted me to die, but just that it was only doing harm to herself by staying angry.

I told the hubs he has got to find a way to let go of the anger & pain in order for us to move forward. Until he does this, we are stuck. It seems crazy to just throw away almost 8 years of marriage just because you are angry & hurt. I just hope that we are able to get over this hump and will come out of this stronger and wiser. I know I have learned a lot about what NOT to do in this marriage, now I am just waiting to see if putting up with all this fighting is worth it. The more fighting we do, the more I want to give up, not keep trying.

The way I see it..... Rough waters make me sick, not skilled.