New Beginings...

 It’s been years since I have actually attempted to write anything. Life got twisted and I took some major blows that should have knocked me down but somehow, I found courage and strength to prevail and come out of those battles stronger. Bruised but standing. I have found the desire to start writing again and so I shall.... buckle up, it's been one hell of a journey over the past five years, and I'll share it all, through the good times and the bad. 

After several years of trying to make my marriage work I finally got to a point of realization that I was only getting older and nothing I did was going to reverse the damage done throughout the years. We had got to a point of living like roommates, so much so that most nights I slept on the couch. Those final three years I begged and pleaded with him to put his family as a priority, but he seemed to have given up. My final straw at least mentally was in April 2019. I had major back surgery, and I was at home recovering with a husband but not a true partner. I felt alone. I was heartbroken. It was my children that kept the house clean and helped me in and out of bed and helped me put my clothes and shoes on when I couldn't move. This was eye opening to say the least. Honestly, I don't even recall if I told him how much his lack of support hurt me. I think I just kept that in mind and used that pain to grow stronger and more independent. 

I knew that I didn't want to leave again the way I had done before. This time there was no one else I was running to be with, so this time would be different. I was choosing myself but making sure to prepare the way to include my children in the transition. I would need to get organized and plan the exit strategy but more importantly I would need to sit down with him and make sure he understood where my mindset was so there would be no surprise as to "why" it happened when the time came. 

December 2020 I sat down and explained to him that I was tired of living like roommates and that this was now my third year in a row to basically give him the ultimatum that if he was going to continue dismissing my concerns and if I was going to continue to live like a married single mom then I was done and would file for divorce so that I could at the least move out and get my own place and live how I wanted to where I wanted to, away from arguments. Of course he became defensive and made it seem like I couldn't or wouldn't be able to leave him and live any better of a life but at this point I was convinced that I was getting too old to live the way we had been living and our kids deserved to see him and I both living happy even if that meant living apart.  I tried to not argue and cause a big scene over it this being my final conversation. I needed him to understand I had spoken enough about how I felt and was now ready to take actions. 

Money was my only obstacle. However, lucky for me, in the early spring of 2021 covid had hit and the government had sent out stimulus checks around the same time as our tax refund. This allowed me to have the funds needed not only to hire a lawyer and file the divorce paperwork but also to put a deposit on my very own apartment. I chose a place less than five miles from the house we shared in preparation for our kids to be able to stay with us both while continuing to be in school. Now to my surprise, the divorce filing was quick but there were issues maintenance had to correct that delayed me getting into the apartment. I had the paperwork to serve to him for three weeks before I got the keys to my apartment and during that time, I was stressed trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation, but it did get handled the day I got my keys. He was only slightly surprised. He asked that I come over that afternoon to sit with the kids and tell them together which we did and that went better than expected. To be honest the entire divorce went the complete opposite way I had anticipated. There was not a bitter feud. He allowed me to take basically what I wanted and needed from the home, and we were able to come together and mediate our own parenting plan together which was a blessing to settle outside of courts. We made a verbal agreement to put the kids' best interest first and priority over everything and that has allowed our coparenting to be a positive experience.  

The way I see it... fear of the unknown holds people back from fulfilling their potential. Go with your gut, follow your heart, and do not ever settle for less than the bare minimum in a partner, because if you push through the fear, you could very well find a new beginning isn't as scary as you thought.

A Real Life Issue

I am honestly on the fence about writing this one. I have opened up my life for everyone with my blog so I figure why hold this back. Maybe there are other women out there going through this same thing and either we can learn from each other or at the least know that we are not alone.

My life is always changing in some way so there is always some type of stress I am dealing with. For years I have dealt with depression either in my own way of ignoring it or taking medications, struggled with weight gain and marital problems. All of these issues have had an affect on my sex drive. ( I think )

When my relationship was new, I did not have any of these problems. After childbirth came weight gain, after weight gain came depression, and amid all of this there were problems in my marriage and thus my sex life has been below average. Of all the things my hubs and I have overcome, the topic of our sex life is a very sore subject.

We have had our ups and downs, but this past year we have learned a lot about getting through the hard times and learning about patience and understanding, but we still are not on the same page about our sex life. Hubs says I should want sex more and I say he should just be thankful for what he gets. He takes it to heart and makes it very personal, saying I don't want 'him' and that is not it at all. This makes me feel ashamed, and it makes my heart hurt - for him - because I do love him very much.

I am at a point to where we have had this issue for so long that I am desperate to find out what is wrong with me. I KNOW it is something wrong with me. He is a good looking man. He is a great lover. He is a wonderful father. He is an Amazing provider. As he says, Any woman would be grateful to have him.

I am making an appointment with my doctor. Maybe my hormones are out of whack. Whatever the issue may be, I hope to get it resolved soon so that my hubs doesn't loose all interest in me.

The way I see it:    No matter how bad you want something, some things about your body you just can't control.

Why Men Should Call Home Before Getting Off Work Early!

My hubs & I have taken a positive turn in our relationship. He is showing a genuine interest in my blogs and has even threatened me with creating a blog of his own. I have to admit, he is a very funny man and I am hoping he is not serious, he would steal all my friends, followers & would surpass me with his popularity. To start off, he wanted us to team up on a blog. He knows I have superior writing skills (OK, well that & the fact that he is too lazy to do it himself) & he has the material so this post is a team effort, from Hubs and Myself.

If you ask your husband if he knows who "BUCK" is, I am sure he will know what your talking about. All men have heard of him at some time or another. He isn't always referred to with this name but the idea is generally the same. BUCK  can also be referred to as: Jody, Milk man, Mail man, Pool boy, Gardener etc...you get the idea.  Well, since my hubs works at a company where most of it's employees are MEN and they all work long hours they speak of "Buck" often. Sometimes when I get that dreaded phone call (or text) that hubs is having to work a double shift he will make comments like "I better not come home to find some of my beer is missing!". He comes home with new "Buck" stories that have been shared around the plant, passed down from man to man like some sort of "rite of passage".

One of the first times I ever heard about this mystical man the hubs said one of his co-workers told him, "You want to know the KEY to a Successful marriage?...hubs replies, "What?"...Guy, " ALWAYS CALL HOME BEFORE YOU LEAVE WORK EARLY!"  I was really confused as to why a man would need to call home before getting off work early, so the hubs told me what the guys say at work. "One of the main reasons a Guy knows to call home before leaving work is because he knows if he gets home to find Buck in his house, there is going to a fight, & lets face it, after working a 12 or 16 hour shift, he really doesn't want to get his ass kicked in his own front yard by the man that is fucking his wife".

These sayings or stories are really funny and so we (Hubs & I) decided to share some of our most memorable ones with you. This is just the beginning as there are many many more buck stories out there.

1.Guy who liked to work a lot of overtime. So, one day the boss man comes to ask if  (lets just call him JOE) wants to work an extra shift so Joe takes it. Joe decides to call his wife to let her know. Upon wife getting news, she replies, "Its 1:30 right now, at 7:00 p.m. there is fucking going on at this house, you can be apart of it or not, it's your choice!"

2.  Guy gets ready for work one morning, he goes to the fridge to get his lunch and takes notice of a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a 12pk of Budweiser, thinking to himself he is going to enjoy them when he finishes his shift. Guy gets home from work, goes to the fridge to find there is only 2 eggs left, the bacon is gone and he now has 2 natural lights sitting in the place of where his Budweiser was. Now you know damn well his wife hasn't drank a 12pk of beer & ate up all the bacon & eggs by herself, hell she don't even drank beer!  As if this wasn't enough, he goes to take a shower and notices a wet/used towel laying on the bathroom floor as the wife is yelling "Don't use up all the hot water, I'm next!"

3. Guy comes home from work to find that the dresser the wife has always wanted him to move has now been moved to the other side of the bedroom. Guy asks his wife "How did you do this?", the wife's response, " oh, I just took all the clothes out of the drawers.", guy goes over and pulls out a drawer to find that all the clothes are still in the same position they were this morning when he was getting ready for work!

4. Guy goes to do bills one day and notices $80 spent at Victoria Secret, Guy says to wife "when the hell did you go buy this, and where is it?, The last time I saw some lace panties on you was over a year ago!!". Guy Goes back to the bills to find a new phone service purchase, a boost mobile to be exact.  Guy says to himself, "Wait  minute, she has a Sprint phone, on MY account! What the hell is she doing purchasing a prepaid phone!?

5. One day guy comes home from work, looks at checking account to see if they have enough money to go out to eat, taking notice that his wife just bought $20 in gas earlier in the day. Guy decides to drive her car  only to find her gauge is on Empty and he can't even reach the pedals! "Where the hell has she been to run out that much gas in 8hrs & who the hell has been driving her car, you know damn well at 5ft 5 aint no way in hell she can reach them pedals either!?!

The way I see it....These are just a few signs that you may or may not have a "buck" in your life.
TO BE FAIR...HUBS MUST GET HIS SAY IN TOO!
The way (hubs) sees it....  While most men trust their wives & do not believe they are screwing around, there is always going to be a group of men that will tell him that its inevitable that he will experience a "buck" at some time or another.

If I made you laugh, or even smile Please........be kind.......SHARE! LIKE! & COMMENT! ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ANY BUCK STORIES OF YOUR OWN!!! WE'D LOVE TO HEAR THEM!!!

Fight till you dont know what your fighting for

There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love. After all a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

When i first read this passage from a friend's page on FB i almost teared up. There is way too much fighting, arguing going on in my life and sometimes I just want to say screw it & just give up. I've always believed that anything worth having wont be easy, if it is easy it isn't worth it. So I know that all the arguing must be worth it in the end, but when is the end? How long do you keep fighting for what you love?

I've been back home almost a year now. I have been able to forgive the hubs for his wrong doings but he hasn't forgiven me, or at least his actions prove he hasn't. He says he wants to move on and keep his family together but lately he has been blowing up on me over some of the most stupidest things. The intensity of his anger is getting way out of hand as well. He has become borderline abusive. He says the most horrible things, things he never had said to me before and then wants to turn around the next day and apologize. I accept his apology because I understand he is still hurting but at some point he needs to decide if he wants to keep holding on to the pain or let go & move forward.

When I came home last year after our separation (see previous blog posts) my mother in law had several discussions with me in which she told me how she felt. She was hurt by my leaving as well and she was very angry with my decisions I had made & rightfully so. She told me about how she had heard something on Oprah about holding grudges and staying angry with people. She said that one quote helped her get over her anger with me and it was this: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" Not saying she wanted me to die, but just that it was only doing harm to herself by staying angry.

I told the hubs he has got to find a way to let go of the anger & pain in order for us to move forward. Until he does this, we are stuck. It seems crazy to just throw away almost 8 years of marriage just because you are angry & hurt. I just hope that we are able to get over this hump and will come out of this stronger and wiser. I know I have learned a lot about what NOT to do in this marriage, now I am just waiting to see if putting up with all this fighting is worth it. The more fighting we do, the more I want to give up, not keep trying.

The way I see it..... Rough waters make me sick, not skilled.