Someone that I use to know

I've made the comment 'oh how i'd give anything to be a teenager again' as i am sure many of you have as well.

There are so many things I would do differently. I would begin with all the people I allowed to hurt me - they were not that important. So many people I would have stood up to if I had only known that later in life I would never have to put up with them. BOYS - oh how they broke my heart. If only someone would have been there to tell me I was beautiful and teach me about having respect for myself.- someone to encourage me to strive in school and pay less attention to the BOYS who said they loved me just to get in my pants. There was of course a few good guys out there. One in particular changed my life by giving me a new perspective.

I started having to make major life decisions even at 17 years old. I experienced things that were beyond my maturity and therefore I made choices without fully understanding the repercussions of my actions. I was guilty of listening to the people around me instead of listening to my heart & doing what I felt was right, simply because I was not fully aware of the seriousness of my circumstances. I was young, in-Love, scared, & unsure of the path my life was supposed to take. I took the easy way out, but in the process,  I HURT SOMEONE - deeply, but unintentionally & I sincerely regret the decision I made that created the pain I caused him.

Obviously, I can't go back in time and undo my mistakes - but I can say I am sorry. Over & Over. If I ever hurt YOU (OR) If your reading this and you know there is someone out there that you hurt; maybe it was intentional or maybe they just got caught up in a moment of anger meant for someone else - FIND PEACE, within yourself & with the person whom you were either hurt by or the person that you hurt. APOLOGIZE, even if they deny it now, they still think about the pain you caused them & it does help to hear a sincere apology.


The Way I see it. . . "IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED  & LOST THAN TO NEVER HAVE LOVED AT ALL" -  & I will always remember . . . . . . . * Love is Pain *

Fight till you dont know what your fighting for

There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love. After all a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

When i first read this passage from a friend's page on FB i almost teared up. There is way too much fighting, arguing going on in my life and sometimes I just want to say screw it & just give up. I've always believed that anything worth having wont be easy, if it is easy it isn't worth it. So I know that all the arguing must be worth it in the end, but when is the end? How long do you keep fighting for what you love?

I've been back home almost a year now. I have been able to forgive the hubs for his wrong doings but he hasn't forgiven me, or at least his actions prove he hasn't. He says he wants to move on and keep his family together but lately he has been blowing up on me over some of the most stupidest things. The intensity of his anger is getting way out of hand as well. He has become borderline abusive. He says the most horrible things, things he never had said to me before and then wants to turn around the next day and apologize. I accept his apology because I understand he is still hurting but at some point he needs to decide if he wants to keep holding on to the pain or let go & move forward.

When I came home last year after our separation (see previous blog posts) my mother in law had several discussions with me in which she told me how she felt. She was hurt by my leaving as well and she was very angry with my decisions I had made & rightfully so. She told me about how she had heard something on Oprah about holding grudges and staying angry with people. She said that one quote helped her get over her anger with me and it was this: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" Not saying she wanted me to die, but just that it was only doing harm to herself by staying angry.

I told the hubs he has got to find a way to let go of the anger & pain in order for us to move forward. Until he does this, we are stuck. It seems crazy to just throw away almost 8 years of marriage just because you are angry & hurt. I just hope that we are able to get over this hump and will come out of this stronger and wiser. I know I have learned a lot about what NOT to do in this marriage, now I am just waiting to see if putting up with all this fighting is worth it. The more fighting we do, the more I want to give up, not keep trying.

The way I see it..... Rough waters make me sick, not skilled.

Do you pretend during the holidays?

Of all the family dinners that I was expecting to attend during the holidays, today's was the most anticipated of them all. Christmas at the in-laws!

There has been so much drama going on within several of the families themselves, but with my added nonsense it was sure to be an awkward afternoon. I have tried to keep the peace by keeping my opinions to myself lately and it seems to make things go more smoothly around my house. I just wasn't sure of what smart elect comments would be said in front of me therefore I wasn't sure of how I would feel being around certain people today.

To my surprise, the afternoon went off without a hitch. I don't recall anyone speaking rudely to anyone else, and no one was disrespectful. Granted, Kensi just had to sit beside her Nanna while they ate but that was fine by me because I knew that's all the one on one time they were going to have. I wasn't feeling well (my back near the area of my kidney was having a stabbing pain that wrapped around through & through my stomach) so I mostly sat around taking pictures and video of everyone else.

After getting back home, my hubs made the comment that interested me into blogging.

It was nice of everyone to at least pretend to get along for the sake of the holidays. It felt nice to be one big happy family.

When he first said this, I thought to myself " yeah, your most certainly right! I am glad we were able to pretend!" but after awhile I have began to think of how SAD and miserable we all must really be. There is only ONE DAY A YEAR that each & everyone in my hubs side of the family gets together for a dinner and for some reason it is only at that one time does everyone act as though no one has done any wrong. No matter what you have done, you are forgiven and been wiped a clean slate: at least for a few hours.

That's what Jesus does when you ask for forgiveness and when you are born again. All that you have ever done sinful is wiped clean from your record. This is exactly that time of year. This has reminded me that JESUS is the reason for this day anyway. It's his birthday, so what better way to celebrate his birth than to forgive those that have sinned against you. Give them amnesty, allowing them to start off the new year with a clean bill of health.

I will try to continue with "pretending" we are one big happy family, and I will also try to let  the water flow under the bridge. What's done is done and there is no turning back, all I have is what's here & NOW. Live for today because I am not promised tomorrow.   With this being said:

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY READERS!
Goodnight <3Mrs.C