It’s been years since I have actually attempted to write anything. Life got twisted and I took some major blows that should have knocked me down but somehow, I found courage and strength to prevail and come out of those battles stronger. Bruised but standing. I have found the desire to start writing again and so I shall.... buckle up, it's been one hell of a journey over the past five years, and I'll share it all, through the good times and the bad.
After several years of trying to make my marriage work I finally got to a point of realization that I was only getting older and nothing I did was going to reverse the damage done throughout the years. We had got to a point of living like roommates, so much so that most nights I slept on the couch. Those final three years I begged and pleaded with him to put his family as a priority, but he seemed to have given up. My final straw at least mentally was in April 2019. I had major back surgery, and I was at home recovering with a husband but not a true partner. I felt alone. I was heartbroken. It was my children that kept the house clean and helped me in and out of bed and helped me put my clothes and shoes on when I couldn't move. This was eye opening to say the least. Honestly, I don't even recall if I told him how much his lack of support hurt me. I think I just kept that in mind and used that pain to grow stronger and more independent.
I knew that I didn't want to leave again the way I had done before. This time there was no one else I was running to be with, so this time would be different. I was choosing myself but making sure to prepare the way to include my children in the transition. I would need to get organized and plan the exit strategy but more importantly I would need to sit down with him and make sure he understood where my mindset was so there would be no surprise as to "why" it happened when the time came.
December 2020 I sat down and explained to him that I was tired of living like roommates and that this was now my third year in a row to basically give him the ultimatum that if he was going to continue dismissing my concerns and if I was going to continue to live like a married single mom then I was done and would file for divorce so that I could at the least move out and get my own place and live how I wanted to where I wanted to, away from arguments. Of course he became defensive and made it seem like I couldn't or wouldn't be able to leave him and live any better of a life but at this point I was convinced that I was getting too old to live the way we had been living and our kids deserved to see him and I both living happy even if that meant living apart. I tried to not argue and cause a big scene over it this being my final conversation. I needed him to understand I had spoken enough about how I felt and was now ready to take actions.
Money was my only obstacle. However, lucky for me, in the early spring of 2021 covid had hit and the government had sent out stimulus checks around the same time as our tax refund. This allowed me to have the funds needed not only to hire a lawyer and file the divorce paperwork but also to put a deposit on my very own apartment. I chose a place less than five miles from the house we shared in preparation for our kids to be able to stay with us both while continuing to be in school. Now to my surprise, the divorce filing was quick but there were issues maintenance had to correct that delayed me getting into the apartment. I had the paperwork to serve to him for three weeks before I got the keys to my apartment and during that time, I was stressed trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation, but it did get handled the day I got my keys. He was only slightly surprised. He asked that I come over that afternoon to sit with the kids and tell them together which we did and that went better than expected. To be honest the entire divorce went the complete opposite way I had anticipated. There was not a bitter feud. He allowed me to take basically what I wanted and needed from the home, and we were able to come together and mediate our own parenting plan together which was a blessing to settle outside of courts. We made a verbal agreement to put the kids' best interest first and priority over everything and that has allowed our coparenting to be a positive experience.
The way I see it... fear of the unknown holds people back from fulfilling their potential. Go with your gut, follow your heart, and do not ever settle for less than the bare minimum in a partner, because if you push through the fear, you could very well find a new beginning isn't as scary as you thought.
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