What if . . .

Everyone has that one person that they often wonder "what might have been" if things were different. For me, I had two people that I often day-dreamed about. My first true love T, and my high school sweetheart D. I moved away from both relationships, and I often contemplated "what might have been" if I had stayed and continued them. I would tell myself I would have been happier because the love I had for them was not sporatic, or forced, it was there continuously and with both relationships I never fought with either of them. In my mind, if I had a chance to go back and choose to stay with either of them my life would have been perfect, as if it wasn't already as perfect as could be.

 They say every marriage is going to have its ups and downs, you and your spouse are going to have fights, and life isn't always a bed of roses. For me, my life, my marriage and everything about it seemed boring. I lived everyday for the same thing. Nothing ever seemed exciting. I had a routine, I took care of my kids, I kept the house clean, I cooked, and I took care of my husbands needs. I had friends but never had time to spend with them, or I just didnt want to be around anyone. My husband and I had things we enjoyed doing together but after all the fighting and argueing my desire to spend time with him vanished. Everything about him annoyed me. I was feeling depressed and I had no desire to do anything that I once enjoyed. I wanted to disappear. I often thought about what would happen if I were to fall asleep and not wake up. I thought this option would be easier than trying to disappear.  I could never hurt myself, as in committ suicide. The more I thought about disappearing the more the idea sounded like a plan instead of a thought.

All it took was one email from a friend telling me she knew where D was and that he was asking about me, to get my mind racing. Could this really be happening? This must be a sign of what might have been was really ment to be. I decided to go see her, but that turned into seeing him. Once I saw him all my old feelings came back and a light bulb went off in my head. If I still loved him and wanted to be with him then I should leave my husband before I end up cheating on him. After hours of talking to D I made up my mind and made a plan. I was going take on a new life with him. I would leave my girls with my husband till I could get stable, of course he would agree because he wouldn't want to loose them. Once I found a place to stay I would fight for custoday of my girls. All i had to do was find a job, which i did. So I was ready, my plan was made and all that was left is choosing to tell my husband what I was thinking. How could I tell this man i've been with for 6 years, the father of my children that I was leaving him for my highschool sweetheart, someone I havnt seen or spoken to in 10 years! I couldn't tell him, it would destroy him. I had to pick a fight, make it a good one, and tell him I want a divorce. I would tell him to leave and if he refused, which I knew he would, I would tell him I was going to leave till we could figure things out. This had to work, it was my only chance. 

I hated the thought of hurting him, but I made it all make perfect sense in my mind because we were always fighting, we both were unhappy, he just didnt understand how unhappy we truely were. We would be better off not together. Our kids would be better with parents that didnt fight in front of them. My kids would benifit from having a happy father, and a happy mother that lived apart instead of together. This was my chance to truely be happy. If I left, I would be able to stand on my own, I could make decesions for myself, I could be who I wanted to be and not what other people thought I should be. I was going to be free to make choices, good or bad, right or wrong it wouldn't matter because at least they were not being made for me. I was making the choices, and I didn't care what anyone thought.

So, 10-13-2010 I moved out, I did exactly what I set my mind to do. I moved to empire to be with D. Only one problem stood in my way. Two days before I left I received a phone call from him and it ended with the police arriving to take him to jail. He didn't show up for a court date and now had to pay the price.  I was going to leave anyway.  I knew he would get out eventually and it just gave me time to get a place of my own and get stable for my kids. It also allowed me to not hurt my husband because now I didnt have to tell him I was moving in with another man. I was moving in with D's mother, because supposedly she was sick and he had been staying with her to take care of her. She needed me, and I needed a place to stay.  I had it all planned out.

Over the next four months everything fell apart, my world crumbled around me and I stood alone, feeling hopeless. I was fooling everyone around me into thinking I was happy, that everything was going great, or at least I thought I was. It was all a lie, one of many that I felt I had no choice but to tell. I didn't want to admit I was wrong, or that I failed at trying to be happy. I didnt want to think about the reality of my situation, So I stayed and told myself things would get better.

This was the begining of my self destructive behavior.