I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like, And right now it's a steel knife in my, windpipe. I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight. High off of love, drunk from my hate. It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, he resuscitates me. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away. He says "Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk. I told you this is my fault. Look me in the eyeball." Next time. There won't be no next time. HE apologizes even though I know its lies. I'm tired of the games I just want him back. I know he's a liar. He's Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. But that's alright because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, But that's alright because I love the way you lie.I love the way you lie.

These lyrics to the song "love the way you lie" were how I felt in my relationship with D. Even though I felt used and I knew he was a liar, I had so much love for him that I couldn't walk away. I remember the day he got out of jail like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful day so I was able to dress up a little, I did my hair and makeup. I felt so pretty and I hoped he thought so too. I had been visiting him every wednesday since he got put in jail but it was always through a thick plate of glass using a payphone to talk. I was actully going to be able to hug him and hold his hand, we were going to be able to show the world we were a happy couple. In the back of my mind I thought about my husband and how wrong it was to be with another man, but the bigger part of my brain didnt care because I felt happier than I had been in a long time. I felt on top of the world, as if nothing could bring me down. D was the only thing that brought me down. In only 5 days he showed me how things were going to be. Day 5 of D being home is more memoriable than the day he got out of jail because this was the day D broke my heart worse than anyone ever has.

I had worked that day, and so did he. He was a laborer to a roofing company there in Empire. He was very good and very fast. He had high hopes of learning the trade to become an actual roofer someday and I believe the potential is there if he wants it. So, we were both tired and didnt feel like going anywhere but when his dad offered me money to go to the liquer store I accepted. D was going to go with me so we could spend time together. We rode over to his cousins house to see if anyone there needed anything while I was going to be in town. Just so happen his aunt wanted to ride to get her some liquer too. When we went to leave one of D's cousins came out and said he was coming to the apartment. This cousin was known to sell drugs so when david told me to take him home he wanted to lay down and go to sleep I knew it was a lie. I questioned his true motives and he got extremely angry toward me. I felt bad and so I took him to the apartment. His aunt forgot her purse so I took her back to her house then I had this feeling in my gut that David was just trying to get me to leave so he could do drugs. I went back to the apartment and his dad came running and jumped on the couch (i saw this thru the window) so I knew something was up. I slung the door open and walked five steps forward till I could see into our bedroom and there he was, smoking meth on a piece of aluminum foil, My mouth dropped to the floor and my eyes widened at him in shock. He simply looks up at me and says "WHAT?" As if what he was doing shouldnt bother me, as if he was doing nothing wrong! Did he not care what I thought? He obviously cared more about getting high than about hurting me. My heart sunk into my stomache, I felt nauseated, dizzy, and as if I was going to have a panic attack. I think I did have a panic attack. I turned to leave, slamming the door behind me so he would know I was upset. I took his aunt to the store and she tried to calm me down but nothing she said made me feel any better. "You need to understand he is an addict, he will always be an addict", this hurt deeply because I didn't understand what it was like for him. I had never done drugs before and I never grew up around anyone that was an addict. I was mortified. I left my kids and a good life for THIS? HE LIED TO ME. HE PROMISED not to go back to that lifestyle!

When I got back D was gone. I sat on the bed crying, struggeling to breathe. I told him I would leave if he went back to the drugs and so if I didnt leave now he would think he could run over me. I should leave right now while he is gone, but I didnt want to give up this soon, I didnt expect this to happen. Should I give him another chance, should I be more understanding of his addiction. She was right, I couldnt possibly know what it feels like to crave something so badly that It would make me risk loosing everything I care about. I had to talk to him, I needed to know what was going through his mind. Why did he promise me all these wonderful things in the letter and throw it all out the door in only 5 days. So I stayed, I talked to him. He felt bad for what he was doing but he explained he wanted to get clean and be a good man for me but he needed time. I decided that as long as he was honest with me about doing the drugs and as long as he tried to do right I would be understanding but that if he lied to me about anything I would leave and never look back. I was risking so much to be with him. Was he really that great? NO, looking back I can honestly say he wasn't worth giving up my life with my husband and my kids or ruining my clean jail record.

At the time of being with him all I thought about was giving up on him would make me just like everyone else in his life. No one cared if he lived or died. I felt this is why he had his addictions, so he could escape the reality of his life. So if I stayed and showed him that there is a reason to live maybe he would want to change. I couldn't be like everyone else, I had to stay and take care of him. I had to stay and make sure he survived. I had to show him I loved him for who he was inside his heart. I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I was the best thing for him, I was a "good girl". I didn't do drugs, I had a job, I had a car, and I loved him. He needed me to stay, he needed someone that cared, he needed me to not give up on him. So I stayed.

 I accepted that my boyfriend was a drug addict. I had hope and I believed that in time he would change his ways. I knew he would want to be better, if not for anyone else but for me.