My relationship with D was the complete opposite of my relationship with my husband. I called it Karma getting me back. As you read this blog you will see what I mean.
D would say "I dont like that musy gushy stuff", or he would say "quit wollering all over me", or "I just want to be left alone", or "Dont touch me" when it came to doing anything that was remotely close to being affectionate. I wasnt allowed to hold his hand except for while driving in the car and sometimes he would complain about doing it even then. I wasn't allowed to touch him when we were laying in bed to go to sleep. As a matter of fact, most nights he slept on top of the covers while I slept under them just because he couldnt stand to feel me touching him. He didn't like kissing at all, maybe a peck every now and then but he said the mouth is the most dirtiest part of the body (whatever right!) so all in all, He was a jerk that made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him when actually he wasnt good enough for me. I always felt he just wasn't attracted to me, and therefore I felt he was only with me because of my car and money. Many nights I would fall asleep crying because I missed my life with my husband. I felt like I was getting my payback for leaving my husband. "KARMA". All the things D didn't want to do with me I had been the same way with my husband.
I took for granted all the times my husband would randomly walk up behind me and put his arms around me while he kissed the back of my neck, or how he would hold me tightly during the night while we slept, or how he loved to sit with me and hold my hand while watching tv, or even how he would go and do things with me outside of family time. My husband and I didn't go out very much together, we actually spent more time hanging out with our friends or just doing things by ourselves. I missed my husband more and more as the time passed. My husband wanted me in the same ways I wanted D, I finally was able to see the pain he must have felt and it made me feel like a terrible person. How could I say I loved him and yet treat him this way? How could d truely love me and treat me this way?
It was a huge eye opener to how much I had been hurting my husband and it gave me the chance to see how I made him feel on a daily basis. This is one of the main things that has made our relationship stronger.
I have to make up for lost time. I have to prove to my husband everyday that I am with him because I love him and I want him. He thinks I am only with him because of his money and the stability that comes with being in a relationship with him. He thinks he is my second choice to any other guy. He thinks he has everything I need but that he just isn't what I want. Well, he is wrong. I love Jamie with all my heart and soul. He is my soul mate and I made a huge mistake. I made many mistakes during the course of our marriage and I am not proud of anything I've done that has caused him pain. I need him to know, in his heart, that he is my #1 from now on and I am back with him because I want to be with my soul mate, the love of my life, the father of my kids, the most amazingly wonderful man on earth (to me that is) My Husband.
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