A year has past and yet I still think of D. Almost everyday something reminds me of him. It's usually a song on the radio but it could also be something I see in the news, or on a tv show, or even something someone says. I don't talk about it with anyone, for reasons of embarrassment, guilt, and merely b/c I don't want to hear " You shouldn't be thinking of him!". As much as I hate to say it, Unless you've walked in my shoes or down a path similar to mine you have no right to degrade me for how I feel.
You are probably thinking that sit around thinking about the good times we shared.That is normally what people do when they think about a person they care about, but it's quite the opposite actually. I picture him shoving a needle in his arm or 'geeking' around the house while high on meth, or yelling at his mom for not calling her dealer to hook him up with another score or even yelling at me for not getting out of bed to drive him to meet his dealer to pick up his next high. I think of all the bad things I experienced when I was with him. I think about how crazy I was for putting myself through that situation for as long as I did. If any friend of mine would have told me she was living the lifestyle I had lived I would have been appalled. I would have wondered what was so wrong with this girl to think she didn't deserve any better, I would say she is stupid, crazy even for being in a relationship with a drug addict when she herself doesn't do drugs. I would also have do reconsider the idea that she doesn't do drugs. Besides, how can someone that doesn't do drugs honestly love and care for someone that does, and why would a person that doesn't do drugs want to live around people that do?? It makes no sense, to me, a person that did these exact things.
When I left D, I cried. My heart literally hurt. I felt I was a failure. From the moment I learned of his addictions I vowed to help him get away, to help him get clean. I felt I was good for him when in fact, I was wrong for him in all the ways I was good for him. I was strong & yet I was weak. Instead of helping him, I enabled him. I told him I wasn't like everyone else that had come and gone, I told him I would be there for him REGARDLESS and I told him I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE. Even to this day I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently to help him.
MUSIC is my anti-drug. When I feel happy, I turn up the radio and dance around the house & sing as loud as I can & when I am depressed I always am able to find a song that says exactly what I feel, except when it comes to D. Until this past week I had not found any music that I feel relates to my feelings about him. This particular song I've had on my ipod for a long time and never listened to it. It's from the album "All I've Ever Wanted" by KELLY CLARKSON & it's called 'SAVE YOU'. - Every single word, from begining to the end is as if it came from me. I was sitting at my desk at work, with my ipod on shuffle when it came on. With the first few sentences I had goose bumps & I just knew this was going to be hard to listen to, but I wanted to hear it. I can't help but to cry when I listen to it but it gives me hope that someone out there knows exactly how I am feeling and knowing I am not alone makes it easier.
A good friend of mine asked me the other day about this song & what I was talking about when I hinted to writing about it on my facebook page. She is always able to help me understand why I feel certain ways. I don't feel like she judges me but yet she is brutally honest with me & I love her for that. As much as I want to save D, you must know & understand; I do not want to save him so that I can go run off with him. I want to save him b/c I care about him and want him to be happy & healthy. He is someone I've known since I was 16 years old, the young D I met was not a drug addict, and it is that young boy that I see in him that needs help.
THE WAY I SEE IT - I need to learn to accept the fact that I can not Save anyone, especially a drug addict. There is only two things that will end his suffering, & that is GOD or Death..
So, of course I am going to share my song with you. In case you dont feel like actually listening to the song, I will simply post the lyrics - besides, that is the important part anyhow.
It's gonna be alright.
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