Feeling Unsure,

I am beginning to wonder if my marriage is salvageable. I am having a hard time letting go of MBW, and Jamie still hasn't forgiven me and let go of what i did. There is also a feeling I had while we were separated that I am beginning to miss. I am not sure how to describe it other than its that feeling you get when you are first with someone. Your excited to see them, cant wait for their phone call, get butterflies when talking or seeing them. Its hard to admit I had stronger feelings for D, I know its hurtful for Jamie to hear and think about.I wish it wasn't true, to admit i chose a drug addict, a meth head that injected drugs into his veins with needles...yes, i chose to be with that instead of my husband. I cant explain it, he was my high school sweetheart, he was there for me during a hard time of my life and we never had closure. Even this time, I left him thinking I would be back so again, no closure. All i know is I felt something being around him that I haven't felt in a long time and it was such a good feeling, an addictive feeling and I am starting to miss it. I don't want to go back to empire, i just wish I could have that feeling again.

 I had hoped that I would fall back in love with Jamie and things would be OK, but the more time passes the less I believe it will happen. I don't miss living in a drug lifestyle environment, I don't miss being yelled at or used but I do miss the freedom I had. As a mother, that is a sacrifice that we all give up, freedom. We don't get to come and go as we please, we don't get to go out b/c we have the responsibility as a parent to be there for our kids. Being a mother is a 24/7 job. Everyday my kids need me, but everyone deserves time to themselves.

I can feel myself sinking back into depression, though I keep saying I'm not. I feel like I am back to the same old routine of just being here for the kids. I'm a babysitter and a maid. I am not here because I want to be, or because Jamie wants me to be, I feel like I am only here for the kids. I keep saying I am fine, but I am not. I don't feel confident that I am making the right decision, at least not for myself. I am in this for my kids, hoping things would work themselves out on the way. . . maybe its too early to know, but I pray there is still hope, if not for me to find happiness, but for my kids to be happy.