When I talk about my seasonal depression and how it always coinsides with my marriage problems its because of something I've done. Every bad thing that has happened, I've been the one to do it. I'm not saying my husband is the perfect husband, but I didn't give him very much to work with. Every time he would get over something I did, it wouldn't be long before I did it all over again, maybe something a little different but always something hurtful to him. It started like this. . . . .
I turned 21 while pregnant with mackensi so after having her I went in a phase of wanting to go to bars. Jamie said he was over the whole bar scene and refused to go with me but when one of his friends would call him up to go play darts or meet up at a bar he was all for it. One of our biggest fights would be that anytime Jamie wanted to go somewhere, or go do something he would just get up and go, after work, before work, on the weekends, no matter what was going on with me and the kids Jamie was able to come and go as he pleased while I wasn't able to do that. If I wanted to get out of the house to go visit my friends or do anything with out my kids I had to ASK Jamie. There was no such thing as just saying "hey, I'm going to visit Lisa and will be back later". He would always get mad and say He wasn't my built in babysitter yet I felt that's all I was to him. When i would go out, I would lie to Jamie about what time I planned on coming home. Some of the times I had full intentions of staying out later than what I would tell him, however there were also other times that I wouldn't be feeling in a good mood and I would get there and end up coming home early. Other times, I would get to the bar, end up having a blast and just not want to come home. So, going out was a big problem for me, I felt I had to lie and say "oh I wont be out passed 10 or 11" given that I didn't leave the house until around 8 sometimes 9pm that is sort of early to be leaving a club. There were plenty of nights I didn't get to the bar until 10 and no one would even show up until 11 or 12 and those were the nights I would end up having so much fun.
When I would be feeling lonely and depressed I would always find someone or something to occupy my time. The second year of our marriage i was in college so I had my schooling to keep me busy. However, the third year I turned to my first love Tyler, on myspace. I stopped contact with him after Jamie and I got married but I found him and we began emailing each other. Up until marrying Jamie, Tyler and I had kept in close contact. Though we always talked I had not seen him since I was 14years old. He lived in Florida and was in a serious relationship that was rocky like mine. We would email, text and even talk on the phone whenever we were feeling lonely or depressed.
The fourth year of our marriage I turned to excessive exercising. I joined a co-ed volleyball group at the local YMCA. I was working a 40hr week job while going 3 to 5 days a week. I would workout and play volleyball, and even have practice. Jamie wasn't very supportive of this. He would often complain if I asked him to watch the kids while I went, and I even asked him to attend practices to watch me and he wouldn't. He hurt me the most when I had a game and I begged him to bring mackensi to watch me play and he wouldn't do it. He sat at home with her while I went by myself. That January, for the first time, Jamie and I agreed to separate. However, days before Jamie was set to move out I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter and therefore we thought that was God's way of saying this relationship is meant to be so we stayed together and made it another year.
Just like clockwork, a year after Madison was born the depression set in again. I became emotionally attached to one of Jamie's friends. Just like with Tyler, this man and I would exchange emails, texts, and phone calls. I would even go spend time with him at his home without the company of my husband. Looking back on this I now see how inappropriate that was.
With every passing year I added another problem to our already long list. Our arguments lasted longer and were louder, even using curse words and arguing heavily in front of the kids.We discussed marriage counseling but our insurance wouldn't cover it and we couldn't afford it. We tried getting back in church regularly thinking that turning to God would solve our problems but even that was unsuccessful.
It wasn't until our 6th year of marriage that things finally completely fell apart. I got over my emotional attachment to Jamie's friend around March and things seem to be getting better. Just like every year before, come August things became rocky but this time things were different for both of us. Jamie had someone on his side, someone he turned to for advice and support.Jamie was having his own emotional affair.
I once again found myself grasping the attention of yet another man,this time.... my high school sweetheart, the drug addict, David, whom I left my husband to go be with.
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