It is really hard for me to stick to my own decisions. For example, I may ground my oldest to her room as a form of punishment but then if a friend she hasn't seen in a long time comes over I will let her go outside to play; thus releasing her from her punishment too soon. Just last night my oldest was acting so wild that I told her she wasn't going to get to eat any cookies when they were finished baking and yet I allowed her to have two of them. These type of parenting failures make my children become brats....thinking they will always get their way.....well of course, because they usually do. I don't know why it is so hard for me to punish my kids. Don't get me wrong, if they do something seriously wrong, they get their behinds spanked and the oldest has already had all of her toys removed from her room for three weeks because she was caught stealing (after being in trouble previously for it). It's just the small things that are so hard to stick with.
In the same sense, I am having trouble with following God's commandment for me to Forgive a certain person. That person that continuously makes a difference in my children. Everything I have been through with that woman gives me the feeling of sincere hatred for her, and I know that is wrong. This is why I think God wants me to forgive her. I keep telling myself that I am forgiving her, and I've even said that I did forgive her, but really I havnt and I cant find the strength to let go of all the hurt. I have grown a lot spiritually over the last few months. I feel like I have a new purpose for my everyday journey through life and in the new spiritual place I have found peace with a lot of past issues, with the exception to this one.
A friend told me that perhaps I should make a lunch date with her, just sit her down and explain to her where I am in my life now and that I need her to know I am praying for her, for our situation, praying that she will see how wrong she is and how it is hurting the children, maybe not so much now, but it will affect them later in life. On one hand I feel this is a good idea, but I know her well enough to know that she doesnt care about how her actions are affecting my children, if she cared she wouldnt continue to show a difference in my girls.
Just today, I told my oldest that I had special plans for us after she cheered her last game this morning but that her special person was coming to the game. I told her that if she was asked to go visit after the game that she had permission to go but that she would miss out on whatever fun I had planned and that if her special person didn't ask for her baby sister to go with them then she would miss out on the fun that her baby sister was going to get to do. At the game the special person and my daughter discussed going somewhere together so I mentioned our plans for the family once more but they still decided to go spend time together. I told my daughter she needed to come home to change and when that happened her baby sister saw she was leaving and asked if she could go to her house too.....This person told my youngest daughter " no, your mommy has special plans for ya'll today" --- My brain was like...OH NO WAIT A MINUTE! then I was like....No, Keep your Calmness, Dont say anything.............THEN I COULDNT KEEP QUIET
I have changed, I've learned how to approach these situations with a different tone. I calmly said to her....."Wait a minute, I dont understand that. It doesnt make any sense. Why did you tell Madi she couldn't go with you BECAUSE I made plans YET you didn't say that to Kensi when she asked" It was a simple question that I knew the answer to. I felt like she simply didn't want her to go so she was going to tell my baby NO YOU CANT GO BECAUSE OF YOUR MOM.... make it out like it was my fault .....knowing the truth, I just wanted to hear her say it out loud. She made excuses that she didn't know Madi could go & that she was not expecting Kensi come home with her and she had plans so it didnt matter b/c she could only spend about two hours with them.....BUT even though I was getting angry I stayed calm even ignoring her while getting my daughter undress from her cheer uniform.....Amazing thing happened to my surprise...My husband spoke up and told her that we could pick up the kids if both girls go but ....Madi ended up NOT going with her, & honestly, that was ok.....Madi didn't cry to go and after they left my hubs told me he wasn't mad at me for speaking up because he was actually about to say something to her himself. I felt so proud and happy ... for my hubs and for myself. We've both came a long way.
BUT YOU SEE......I've kept my distance from the woman, not speaking, not being rude..just simply not having anything to do with her & when I finally decide to try to be the better person than what I use to be and try to be nice and get along and put my issues to the side, this is what happens. It's hard to stick to my decision to forgive her and forget, I know God wants me to, but I dont know HOW I can do that when things like this continue to happen........
The way I see it.......
This is simply a test, a test to my faith and my obedience to GOD. I will continue to pray for our situation and hope there is some positive changes made soon.
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